This is my story of what I went through when my best friend, Logan, died. I think I'm finally ready to share it with anyone willing to listen. It's really long as it is, so I decided just to get this out there for now, and maybe I'll finish it in the coming months....
It started out as just a normal day. I got to the high school early from the bus. The only abnormal thing was that I didn't wave hi to Logan as he walked into the school. Usually, I would walk into the school, go to put my lunchbox in my locker, and then I would head down the hallway by Mr. Reeves' room, and about that time every morning, I would wave hi to Logan as he came in through the doors at the end of the hallway.
I decided to walk around the school with my friend Jordan. There was an announcement, while we were walking, that asked for all of the teachers and faculty to go to the library. We both wondered why the faculty were all meeting together in the morning. We walked around for a bit longer, slowly picking up more people along the way. Eventually, the bell rang, and we went off to our first period classes.
The day was May 22, which just happened to be Lagoon day for the seniors. My first period English teacher, Mrs. Gallagher, was in a rush because she was chaperoning one of the buses heading down. But right before she left, she had a paper in her hand. She started out saying that she was very sad that something like this could happen at our school. She then proceeded to read the paper. I'm pretty sure she said something along the lines of, "I regret to inform you that Logan Hulick, a student at PGHS passed away last night, May 21." I don't know anything she said after that, or if there was anything else. I froze up when I heard Logan's name. At first, I started to question if I had heard Mrs. Gallagher right, but then she said his name again, so I knew it had to be correct. Mrs. Gallagher then left, leaving a substitute in charge. The substitute put on the movie Forever Strong. I didn't want to watch the movie. I got out one of my word puzzlebooks and began on a Kriss-Cross. I kept telling myself that I could hold my emotions together. I listened to the hub-bub of the class at the announcement. It rather annoyed me. People saying things like, "Oh, I think I know him!" and "Hey! He's in my orchestra class!" or "Wait, what does he look like?" "I think I've heard that name before!" I didn't like that everyone had turned it into a game, with the reward of whoever knew him better earning the most attention and popularity. I stayed mostly quiet. People didn't understand. This was a death, of a great friend of mine, and they had found a way to turn it around into another competition of popularity. Could they just not feel anymore?
I remember that it was about half an hour before I finally decided I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. I put my stuff away, and told the substitute that I was going down the the library, where they were offering grief counseling all day. She offered to escort me down there. I remember that right as I walked out of the classroom, it all hit me, and I fell apart. As we were nearing the library, I ran into a space center friend of mine. He was a senior, but from the news, he had probably decided to stay. He gave me a hug, and told me that it would be alright, and then smiled at me, and took me the rest of the way to the library.
I felt some slight relief when I walked into the library, and saw many familiar faces look back at me. I felt comfortable there, surrounded by friends of Logan's.
Everyone was sitting around counselors across the room, and some were sitting at tables writing letters. I sat down with the group nearest to the door. The counselor was having everyone share some of their favorite memories of him. I vaguely remember saying something about what a good space center volunteer he was, but it was hard to speak through the tears. After a few minutes, the counselor had us all move over to the tables to write letters to Logan's mother. I took some paper, and walked over to a table with a girl sitting at it that I recognized from my stagecraft class. She was really upset because Logan had promised her that he'd be the doctor on her mission when she went to the space center. I sat for a few minutes listening to her and thinking about what to write. I finally ended up writing about how amazing Logan's acting was at the space center the previous summer.
When I finished my letter, I got up, and put it in the pile of completed letters. Instead of walking back to where I was sitting before, I walked towards some other friends that had arrived while I was busy writing my letter. I exchanged tearful greetings with them. Then, someone called out my name. I looked around to see that my mom had walked into the library. She walked over to me and hugged me tightly. I asked her how she was here, since I hadn't called her. She said that my aunt Joan, who teaches art at the junior high, had gotten an email about it, recognized Logan's name, and called my mom. My mom was just about to leave for a temple session when she got the call.
My mom checked me out of school, and drove me to the temple.
We sat down on a bench in the front, and talked for a while. It felt really good to get all of my emotions out, and especially at the temple.
After about an hour or so, we went home and ate lunch. I decided to go back to school, so I wouldn't miss my final in history.
I arrived at school in the middle of lunch. I checked in, and then went straight to the student center to talk to some of my other friends who didn't know what had happened yet. I don't really remember who I talked to or what I said, but I do remember that it felt really good to get it all out to someone.
That evening I went to my school's choir concert. (I used to avoid school events, but ever since Logan's death, I go to them for some reason.) I found a seat next to an old acquaintance from orchestra in junior high. The concert was a mix of very sad and very happy songs. It was so hard to hold back the tears on the sad songs, but the happy ones kept me going. I kept thinking about how Logan was supposed to tech this concert, but he wasn't here anymore. I cried when the choir sang 'For Good' from Wicked. (This song has always made me cry since.) After the concert, I was able to talk with my space center friend I had run into earlier that day. I was also able to talk with a friend who I had met doing tech in a play. She gave me some useful advice - to watch my favorite Disney movies and to listen to music when I went to bed.
The next few days were very hard for me. All of my grades in school dropped dramatically because I just didn't care about them anymore. My life had come crashing down, and nothing seemed to matter in the world at all, besides my loss. I watched lots of Disney movies, and had lots of terrible nightmares. It got to the point where I would intentionally stay up until 3 am every night, so that when I went to sleep, I was really out. I did have a reassuring dream/vision, though. It happened early in the morning. I woke up from my slumber, but in my half-asleep state, I ended up going back to sleep for around 20 more minutes. In these 20 minutes, I was myself in a dream/vision. I was standing in the midst of brilliant white clouds. Logan was there, wearing his white Shakespeare festival sweatshirt, with the black pants and shoes he would always wear. He held both of my hands, and spoke to me in a kind, soft voice. He said, "We can still be friends, even though people won't know." He smiled at me, and then I woke up, but this time I was far from half asleep. I felt a great peace, and I knew in that moment that I hadn't really lost my best friend, he was still with me, and that our friendship would still continue, even though I can't see him.
The next day, while I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up from school, I ran into one of my space center friends. I told her about my dream, and I was surprised when she told me that she had had a dream about Logan too. In her dream, Logan had told her that he had never meant to hurt her. I understood then that Logan hadn't said that to me because I had already forgiven him, and knew in my heart that he didn't mean to do what he did, and that it was never his intention to hurt me or anyone else.
In the days that followed, I felt something I had never felt before. With every person at the school that knew Logan, and was very sad about his death, I felt an instant bond with them. I felt like I could go and talk with them about it, and they would help me, and I would help them. It was really amazing. For instance, the day after I had found out Logan had died, we had our techfast in stagecraft. The whole class went to One Man Band and had breakfast there. There was a great sadness there, but there was also that bond.
5 days after I found out, it was Memorial Day, so there was no school. It was also my birthday. It was the most depressing birthday ever. It didn't even feel like a birthday. I remember asking my family to do absolutely no celebration on my birthday, not even wishing me happy birthday. All I could think about that day was what Logan's funeral would be like the next day, and what the drama banquet would be like without him.
Finally, tomorrow came. I went to school in my church clothes. It was a short day, so me and some tech class friends left for his funeral at 10 together. There was an open casket viewing before the funeral. When I first went into the church where the funeral was being held, there was a room where you could write down a few thoughts on a card to his mom. I wrote down a few things, and then joined the line for the viewing. When we finally got to the casket and I looked down at the body that I knew Logan's spirit by, I completely lost it. His mom asked me my name, and gave me a caring hug. Tears flowing down my face, I left the room, and went to the chapel and took a seat near some other space center friends. Going to his funeral, by far helped me most to feel less sad. When his mom spoke, she offered so much peace, comfort, and friendship to everyone who knew him. She shared some fantastic memories of him, both long ago and more recent. Out of everything she said, what I think helped me the most was that she told us that the patriarch in her stake, who lives just down the street from them, told her that he kept getting the thought over and over again that Logan was in the arms of the Savior. I knew then, that Logan had repented of his mistake, and was moving on to be a missionary in the spirit world. After she spoke, a lady in his ward sung 'In the Hollow of Thy Hand'. Even though this song was written for a young man going on a mission, I felt like it applied very well to my situation. I wanted the Lord to keep Logan in the hollow of his hand, and help him to grow his spirit even further, and keep him safe, since we can't really protect him anymore.
After the funeral, I talked with some space center friends that I hadn't seen in a while, since the space center had been closed for most of that school year. I remember talking with one of them, and she asked me, "How have you been doing?" I told her, "It's been really hard." And then the tears just flowed. She gave me a long, comforting hug. She then invited me to come to lunch at Golden Corral, which was where a bunch of other space center people were going.
After a long lunch at Golden Corral full of random conversations, lame jokes, and lots of cotton candy, I rushed home to get ready to go to the drama banquet. I carpooled with a bunch of people I didn't really know that well. I felt sad there, but not as sad as I felt before I went to the funeral. The food was really fancy, and didn't taste very good to me. I ended up being able to have fun, making a smiley face out of my salad, referencing Doctor Who in every conversation, and dropping a napkin on someone's head and watching Mr. Shelley mime it to Mr. Wilcock.
In the days following Logan's funeral and the drama banquet, I felt more peace and less sadness. School ended, and I was tempted by Satan to commit suicide so strongly, that sometimes I had to curl up in my room under a blanket and tell him to go away over and over again.
The next week, we left on our yearly vacation to southern California to visit my dad's mom. Disneyland is no longer the happiest place on earth to me. I would spend the morning with my family, and then after lunch I could go off alone to do whatever I wanted. I used a lot of this time to sit around and ponder. I would have moments where I would just crash for a moment. I was having some difficulties with denial around that time. I would be wandering around, and then I would remember that things were far from normal in my life, and then I would sit down, and look at pictures I had saved of Logan on my iPod. Sometimes I would even cry. I don't think that I'll ever go to Disneyland again, because it is now full of sad memories. Just thinking about it, makes me remember the deepest of sadnesses I felt there, watching everyone go about their lives with their petty problems, and just wish that I could forget it all, but there was no way that I could.
I'll continue this again at some point...hopefully....
~M.B.~
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