This is my story of what I went through when my best friend, Logan, died. I think I'm finally ready to share it with anyone willing to listen. It's really long as it is, so I decided just to get this out there for now, and maybe I'll finish it in the coming months....
It started out as just a normal day. I got to the high school early from the bus. The only abnormal thing was that I didn't wave hi to Logan as he walked into the school. Usually, I would walk into the school, go to put my lunchbox in my locker, and then I would head down the hallway by Mr. Reeves' room, and about that time every morning, I would wave hi to Logan as he came in through the doors at the end of the hallway.
I decided to walk around the school with my friend Jordan. There was an announcement, while we were walking, that asked for all of the teachers and faculty to go to the library. We both wondered why the faculty were all meeting together in the morning. We walked around for a bit longer, slowly picking up more people along the way. Eventually, the bell rang, and we went off to our first period classes.
The day was May 22, which just happened to be Lagoon day for the seniors. My first period English teacher, Mrs. Gallagher, was in a rush because she was chaperoning one of the buses heading down. But right before she left, she had a paper in her hand. She started out saying that she was very sad that something like this could happen at our school. She then proceeded to read the paper. I'm pretty sure she said something along the lines of, "I regret to inform you that Logan Hulick, a student at PGHS passed away last night, May 21." I don't know anything she said after that, or if there was anything else. I froze up when I heard Logan's name. At first, I started to question if I had heard Mrs. Gallagher right, but then she said his name again, so I knew it had to be correct. Mrs. Gallagher then left, leaving a substitute in charge. The substitute put on the movie Forever Strong. I didn't want to watch the movie. I got out one of my word puzzlebooks and began on a Kriss-Cross. I kept telling myself that I could hold my emotions together. I listened to the hub-bub of the class at the announcement. It rather annoyed me. People saying things like, "Oh, I think I know him!" and "Hey! He's in my orchestra class!" or "Wait, what does he look like?" "I think I've heard that name before!" I didn't like that everyone had turned it into a game, with the reward of whoever knew him better earning the most attention and popularity. I stayed mostly quiet. People didn't understand. This was a death, of a great friend of mine, and they had found a way to turn it around into another competition of popularity. Could they just not feel anymore?
I remember that it was about half an hour before I finally decided I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. I put my stuff away, and told the substitute that I was going down the the library, where they were offering grief counseling all day. She offered to escort me down there. I remember that right as I walked out of the classroom, it all hit me, and I fell apart. As we were nearing the library, I ran into a space center friend of mine. He was a senior, but from the news, he had probably decided to stay. He gave me a hug, and told me that it would be alright, and then smiled at me, and took me the rest of the way to the library.
I felt some slight relief when I walked into the library, and saw many familiar faces look back at me. I felt comfortable there, surrounded by friends of Logan's.
Everyone was sitting around counselors across the room, and some were sitting at tables writing letters. I sat down with the group nearest to the door. The counselor was having everyone share some of their favorite memories of him. I vaguely remember saying something about what a good space center volunteer he was, but it was hard to speak through the tears. After a few minutes, the counselor had us all move over to the tables to write letters to Logan's mother. I took some paper, and walked over to a table with a girl sitting at it that I recognized from my stagecraft class. She was really upset because Logan had promised her that he'd be the doctor on her mission when she went to the space center. I sat for a few minutes listening to her and thinking about what to write. I finally ended up writing about how amazing Logan's acting was at the space center the previous summer.
When I finished my letter, I got up, and put it in the pile of completed letters. Instead of walking back to where I was sitting before, I walked towards some other friends that had arrived while I was busy writing my letter. I exchanged tearful greetings with them. Then, someone called out my name. I looked around to see that my mom had walked into the library. She walked over to me and hugged me tightly. I asked her how she was here, since I hadn't called her. She said that my aunt Joan, who teaches art at the junior high, had gotten an email about it, recognized Logan's name, and called my mom. My mom was just about to leave for a temple session when she got the call.
My mom checked me out of school, and drove me to the temple.
We sat down on a bench in the front, and talked for a while. It felt really good to get all of my emotions out, and especially at the temple.
After about an hour or so, we went home and ate lunch. I decided to go back to school, so I wouldn't miss my final in history.
I arrived at school in the middle of lunch. I checked in, and then went straight to the student center to talk to some of my other friends who didn't know what had happened yet. I don't really remember who I talked to or what I said, but I do remember that it felt really good to get it all out to someone.
That evening I went to my school's choir concert. (I used to avoid school events, but ever since Logan's death, I go to them for some reason.) I found a seat next to an old acquaintance from orchestra in junior high. The concert was a mix of very sad and very happy songs. It was so hard to hold back the tears on the sad songs, but the happy ones kept me going. I kept thinking about how Logan was supposed to tech this concert, but he wasn't here anymore. I cried when the choir sang 'For Good' from Wicked. (This song has always made me cry since.) After the concert, I was able to talk with my space center friend I had run into earlier that day. I was also able to talk with a friend who I had met doing tech in a play. She gave me some useful advice - to watch my favorite Disney movies and to listen to music when I went to bed.
The next few days were very hard for me. All of my grades in school dropped dramatically because I just didn't care about them anymore. My life had come crashing down, and nothing seemed to matter in the world at all, besides my loss. I watched lots of Disney movies, and had lots of terrible nightmares. It got to the point where I would intentionally stay up until 3 am every night, so that when I went to sleep, I was really out. I did have a reassuring dream/vision, though. It happened early in the morning. I woke up from my slumber, but in my half-asleep state, I ended up going back to sleep for around 20 more minutes. In these 20 minutes, I was myself in a dream/vision. I was standing in the midst of brilliant white clouds. Logan was there, wearing his white Shakespeare festival sweatshirt, with the black pants and shoes he would always wear. He held both of my hands, and spoke to me in a kind, soft voice. He said, "We can still be friends, even though people won't know." He smiled at me, and then I woke up, but this time I was far from half asleep. I felt a great peace, and I knew in that moment that I hadn't really lost my best friend, he was still with me, and that our friendship would still continue, even though I can't see him.
The next day, while I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up from school, I ran into one of my space center friends. I told her about my dream, and I was surprised when she told me that she had had a dream about Logan too. In her dream, Logan had told her that he had never meant to hurt her. I understood then that Logan hadn't said that to me because I had already forgiven him, and knew in my heart that he didn't mean to do what he did, and that it was never his intention to hurt me or anyone else.
In the days that followed, I felt something I had never felt before. With every person at the school that knew Logan, and was very sad about his death, I felt an instant bond with them. I felt like I could go and talk with them about it, and they would help me, and I would help them. It was really amazing. For instance, the day after I had found out Logan had died, we had our techfast in stagecraft. The whole class went to One Man Band and had breakfast there. There was a great sadness there, but there was also that bond.
5 days after I found out, it was Memorial Day, so there was no school. It was also my birthday. It was the most depressing birthday ever. It didn't even feel like a birthday. I remember asking my family to do absolutely no celebration on my birthday, not even wishing me happy birthday. All I could think about that day was what Logan's funeral would be like the next day, and what the drama banquet would be like without him.
Finally, tomorrow came. I went to school in my church clothes. It was a short day, so me and some tech class friends left for his funeral at 10 together. There was an open casket viewing before the funeral. When I first went into the church where the funeral was being held, there was a room where you could write down a few thoughts on a card to his mom. I wrote down a few things, and then joined the line for the viewing. When we finally got to the casket and I looked down at the body that I knew Logan's spirit by, I completely lost it. His mom asked me my name, and gave me a caring hug. Tears flowing down my face, I left the room, and went to the chapel and took a seat near some other space center friends. Going to his funeral, by far helped me most to feel less sad. When his mom spoke, she offered so much peace, comfort, and friendship to everyone who knew him. She shared some fantastic memories of him, both long ago and more recent. Out of everything she said, what I think helped me the most was that she told us that the patriarch in her stake, who lives just down the street from them, told her that he kept getting the thought over and over again that Logan was in the arms of the Savior. I knew then, that Logan had repented of his mistake, and was moving on to be a missionary in the spirit world. After she spoke, a lady in his ward sung 'In the Hollow of Thy Hand'. Even though this song was written for a young man going on a mission, I felt like it applied very well to my situation. I wanted the Lord to keep Logan in the hollow of his hand, and help him to grow his spirit even further, and keep him safe, since we can't really protect him anymore.
After the funeral, I talked with some space center friends that I hadn't seen in a while, since the space center had been closed for most of that school year. I remember talking with one of them, and she asked me, "How have you been doing?" I told her, "It's been really hard." And then the tears just flowed. She gave me a long, comforting hug. She then invited me to come to lunch at Golden Corral, which was where a bunch of other space center people were going.
After a long lunch at Golden Corral full of random conversations, lame jokes, and lots of cotton candy, I rushed home to get ready to go to the drama banquet. I carpooled with a bunch of people I didn't really know that well. I felt sad there, but not as sad as I felt before I went to the funeral. The food was really fancy, and didn't taste very good to me. I ended up being able to have fun, making a smiley face out of my salad, referencing Doctor Who in every conversation, and dropping a napkin on someone's head and watching Mr. Shelley mime it to Mr. Wilcock.
In the days following Logan's funeral and the drama banquet, I felt more peace and less sadness. School ended, and I was tempted by Satan to commit suicide so strongly, that sometimes I had to curl up in my room under a blanket and tell him to go away over and over again.
The next week, we left on our yearly vacation to southern California to visit my dad's mom. Disneyland is no longer the happiest place on earth to me. I would spend the morning with my family, and then after lunch I could go off alone to do whatever I wanted. I used a lot of this time to sit around and ponder. I would have moments where I would just crash for a moment. I was having some difficulties with denial around that time. I would be wandering around, and then I would remember that things were far from normal in my life, and then I would sit down, and look at pictures I had saved of Logan on my iPod. Sometimes I would even cry. I don't think that I'll ever go to Disneyland again, because it is now full of sad memories. Just thinking about it, makes me remember the deepest of sadnesses I felt there, watching everyone go about their lives with their petty problems, and just wish that I could forget it all, but there was no way that I could.
I'll continue this again at some point...hopefully....
~M.B.~
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
My Scripture Journal
In the past, I've kept a scripture journal. Lately, I've started writing in it again, because I've realized that there's some really useful stuff in there already, and I really ought to add to that. And then, I got this idea that I should retype what I write in there, so that it might be of some use to someone other than myself. So these are the entries from recently:
11/25/13
"And for a testimony that the things that they had said are true they have brought twenty-four plates which are filled with engravings, and they are of pure gold." ~ Mosiah 8:9
They believed in what was written on the plates, that they carried 24 heavy plates filled with writing when they were traveling. If they didn't have such a strong testimony, it would have been really easy to just leave all the plates behind. Having a testimony is harder than not having one. Having a testimony leads us to do hard things, and those that don't feed and grow their testimonies in the ways we've been counseled, may not stand on the Lord's side when tested. I know what I need to do to fuel my testimony, but many times, I find myself procrastinating. But I have the one and true gospel on this earth, the key to my happiness, and the answers to everything. So, why do I not devote myself to it? I need to do better. I need to be willing to lug a truckload of scriptures across the Sahara Desert, if that's what the Lord needs. I need to feed my testimony.
11/26/13
"For none can have the power to bring it to light save it be given him of God; for God wills that it shall be done with an eye single to his glory, or the welfare of the ancient and long dispersed covenant people of the Lord." ~ Mormon 8:15
I can't feel the light and happiness I feel now without God. God can shed light and understanding upon things I never would have noticed, if only I come and ask. When I study the scriptures, I feel like I am asking God to shed light on new ideas and concepts I never would have realized before. God also keeps His eyes upon our eternal glory at all times, even when we don't give it a single thought. He feels some responsibility for the welfare of our souls, because He is our Father. I need to think more about the welfare of my soul, and find ways for God to be able to shed His light on my life.
"And Corihor repented of the many evils which he had done; wherefore Shule gave him power in his kingdom." ~ Ether 7:13
Because Corihor repented of his sins, he was given power. Repentance gives us power. Satan likes to try to make us think otherwise. Satan tries to get us to believe that repentance will give us shame and weakness. This scripture tells me the opposite. God loves us, and He knows we make mistakes. If we are responsible enough to go to Him when we mess up, He will reward us with blessings and power to overcome Satan. It's like, if you make a mistake at work, it's really hard to tell your boss that you messed up, but the sooner you tell them, the sooner the problem can be fixed. Sometimes, we are afraid of being fired or castigated for our error, but usually our mistake is greeted with answers to fix it. As long as we are willing to work towards fixing the mistake, we are thought of as more responsible in our boss' eyes. I know that this can be the same with God.
11/27/13
"The bricks are fallen down, but we will build with hewn stones; the sycamores are cut down, but we will change them into cedars." ~ 2nd Nephi 18:10
Even when we are fallen, we can still build ourselves up into something even better than we were before. Satan and other people will beat us down, but we always have to remember to keep building. If we stop and let the bad thoughts tear us down more, it will take so much longer to heal them. It's better if we just don't let the bad feelings consume us in the first place. We need to turn to God. It's okay to ask for help. He's just waiting for us to turn to Him with a willing heart. Then, He can build us up into something better. If I let Him into my life when I'm feeling down, rather than Satan, I know that He can guide me to what will help me most. Then, whatever is helping me, with His influence, can build me up to be something better.
11/28/13
"O Lord, wilt thou comfort my soul, and give unto me success, and also my fellow laborers with me...(right here I got lazy and didn't want to write out a bunch of different names) yea, even all these wilt thou comfort, O Lord. Yea wilt thou comfort their souls in Christ." ~ Alma 31:32
It is very important to pray that others will fell comfort. Even if they aren't of our religion. We can't always pray for people to find exactly what they're looking for, but we can pray that they will find some measure of success, as well as comfort. I think that comfort in Christ is saying that we can find comfort knowing that Christ has felt every trial, fear, failure, etc. that we have, and will yet have. He completely and fully understands what we are going through, so He can comfort us, even when no one else is there for us. I know it's hard to trust myself in someone that can't physically be there for me, but I need to. I know that whenever I ask for comfort, He will always be there.
11/29/13
"And this Zeezrom began to question Amulek, saying: Will ye answer me a few questions which I shall ask you? Now Zeezrom was a man who was expert in the devices of the devil, that he might destroy that which was good..." ~Alma 11:21
I hope that someday I can be an 'expert in the devices of the devil', not so that I can deceive people, but rather to be able to better recognize temptations in my life. Satan is tricky, and it takes a while sometimes to realize that it's him, rather than our own thoughts. I know that if I study people's experiences in the scriptures, and in my life, I will be able to recognize Satan better and quicker.
You may think that some of my choices in scripture verses are a bit odd. Well, my rule is that I close my eyes, open my scriptures, and put my finger in a random place on the page, and whatever verse it's on is the one I write about.
~M.B.~
11/25/13
"And for a testimony that the things that they had said are true they have brought twenty-four plates which are filled with engravings, and they are of pure gold." ~ Mosiah 8:9
They believed in what was written on the plates, that they carried 24 heavy plates filled with writing when they were traveling. If they didn't have such a strong testimony, it would have been really easy to just leave all the plates behind. Having a testimony is harder than not having one. Having a testimony leads us to do hard things, and those that don't feed and grow their testimonies in the ways we've been counseled, may not stand on the Lord's side when tested. I know what I need to do to fuel my testimony, but many times, I find myself procrastinating. But I have the one and true gospel on this earth, the key to my happiness, and the answers to everything. So, why do I not devote myself to it? I need to do better. I need to be willing to lug a truckload of scriptures across the Sahara Desert, if that's what the Lord needs. I need to feed my testimony.
11/26/13
"For none can have the power to bring it to light save it be given him of God; for God wills that it shall be done with an eye single to his glory, or the welfare of the ancient and long dispersed covenant people of the Lord." ~ Mormon 8:15
I can't feel the light and happiness I feel now without God. God can shed light and understanding upon things I never would have noticed, if only I come and ask. When I study the scriptures, I feel like I am asking God to shed light on new ideas and concepts I never would have realized before. God also keeps His eyes upon our eternal glory at all times, even when we don't give it a single thought. He feels some responsibility for the welfare of our souls, because He is our Father. I need to think more about the welfare of my soul, and find ways for God to be able to shed His light on my life.
"And Corihor repented of the many evils which he had done; wherefore Shule gave him power in his kingdom." ~ Ether 7:13
Because Corihor repented of his sins, he was given power. Repentance gives us power. Satan likes to try to make us think otherwise. Satan tries to get us to believe that repentance will give us shame and weakness. This scripture tells me the opposite. God loves us, and He knows we make mistakes. If we are responsible enough to go to Him when we mess up, He will reward us with blessings and power to overcome Satan. It's like, if you make a mistake at work, it's really hard to tell your boss that you messed up, but the sooner you tell them, the sooner the problem can be fixed. Sometimes, we are afraid of being fired or castigated for our error, but usually our mistake is greeted with answers to fix it. As long as we are willing to work towards fixing the mistake, we are thought of as more responsible in our boss' eyes. I know that this can be the same with God.
11/27/13
"The bricks are fallen down, but we will build with hewn stones; the sycamores are cut down, but we will change them into cedars." ~ 2nd Nephi 18:10
Even when we are fallen, we can still build ourselves up into something even better than we were before. Satan and other people will beat us down, but we always have to remember to keep building. If we stop and let the bad thoughts tear us down more, it will take so much longer to heal them. It's better if we just don't let the bad feelings consume us in the first place. We need to turn to God. It's okay to ask for help. He's just waiting for us to turn to Him with a willing heart. Then, He can build us up into something better. If I let Him into my life when I'm feeling down, rather than Satan, I know that He can guide me to what will help me most. Then, whatever is helping me, with His influence, can build me up to be something better.
11/28/13
"O Lord, wilt thou comfort my soul, and give unto me success, and also my fellow laborers with me...(right here I got lazy and didn't want to write out a bunch of different names) yea, even all these wilt thou comfort, O Lord. Yea wilt thou comfort their souls in Christ." ~ Alma 31:32
It is very important to pray that others will fell comfort. Even if they aren't of our religion. We can't always pray for people to find exactly what they're looking for, but we can pray that they will find some measure of success, as well as comfort. I think that comfort in Christ is saying that we can find comfort knowing that Christ has felt every trial, fear, failure, etc. that we have, and will yet have. He completely and fully understands what we are going through, so He can comfort us, even when no one else is there for us. I know it's hard to trust myself in someone that can't physically be there for me, but I need to. I know that whenever I ask for comfort, He will always be there.
11/29/13
"And this Zeezrom began to question Amulek, saying: Will ye answer me a few questions which I shall ask you? Now Zeezrom was a man who was expert in the devices of the devil, that he might destroy that which was good..." ~Alma 11:21
I hope that someday I can be an 'expert in the devices of the devil', not so that I can deceive people, but rather to be able to better recognize temptations in my life. Satan is tricky, and it takes a while sometimes to realize that it's him, rather than our own thoughts. I know that if I study people's experiences in the scriptures, and in my life, I will be able to recognize Satan better and quicker.
You may think that some of my choices in scripture verses are a bit odd. Well, my rule is that I close my eyes, open my scriptures, and put my finger in a random place on the page, and whatever verse it's on is the one I write about.
~M.B.~
Friday, November 22, 2013
6 months
I just realized that yesterday hit the 6 months marker since Logan died. In memory of him, I'm reposting his obituary:
January 4, 1997 ~ May 21, 2013
Beloved
son, brother, and friend Logan Hulick was born January 4, 1997. He
lived his entire life in Pleasant Grove, Utah and passed away on
Tuesday, May 21, 2013.
Logan
was one of God's brightest spirits who, with his quiet manner and broad
smile, made all feel welcomed and valued. Logan’s charisma gathered
diverse people together. He was always either laughing or making someone
laugh. Logan always had a joke to share. He recently exclaimed, “I have
so many inside jokes with different people that I can’t keep them
straight!”
Logan
was brilliant and loved to confound people’s minds – because he could.
For example, Logan’s favorite color was heliotrope … and when he tells
people, he then waits for them to say, “What’s that?”
He
was a longtime volunteer at the Space Center; he had recently been
hired as a flight director and was looking forward to a great summer
working there.
Logan
just completed his sophomore year at Pleasant Grove High School, where
he enjoyed excellent academics, drama tech, orchestra (first chair
violin), and seminary. He played tenor saxophone and violin, relishing
the fact that he played more instruments than his siblings.
Logan
left his parents, Mark and Debra Hulick, and his older siblings: Mitch
(& Lacey), Abby, Austin (& Tammy), and Riley. We love him very much. He brought so much joy and laughter to our family. We miss him and look forward to an eternal reunion where Logan can meet us on the other side of the veil.
~M.B.~
Thursday, November 21, 2013
One of my fears
It has always been one of my fears ever since I was a little kid that in the next life we won't be able to find our friends or fantastic people that influenced our lives. I would always imagine it as a huge crowd of people, and that I would end up running around all of heaven for eternity searching for certain people. Right now, though, I really feel strongly that God sends people into our lives to help us and be our friends for a reason. He would never send those people to us now, but not allow us to be with them in the next life. Out of all the people He could choose from in the world, He chose one to come and help me, right now, at this point in my life. And, with God's help, I know I'll always be able to find her. I just really feel strongly about this in particular right now.
~M.B.~
~M.B.~
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I've Changed
I realize I kind of left you hanging...for a long time. My Harry Potter Club is working out just fine, and we have weekly meetings.
It's interesting how much I realize I've changed over the past few months. I'm not so much of an introvert anymore. I actually enjoy being around people, and I need it. I used to love being left alone to my thoughts, but not so much anymore. I'm also not so 'no-touchy'. I'm more outgoing, and more confident. If there's something I don't like, then I'm not afraid to change it, where as before, I just went with it. I feel...much more different than I was. But yet, in a way, I'm still the same. I'm not so sure if that makes sense.
On another completely different note, I've started volunteering at the Space Center at Central Elementary again. I couldn't volunteer for a while because of my bad grades, but I'm back now. Here's hoping I can get a job!
~M.B.~
It's interesting how much I realize I've changed over the past few months. I'm not so much of an introvert anymore. I actually enjoy being around people, and I need it. I used to love being left alone to my thoughts, but not so much anymore. I'm also not so 'no-touchy'. I'm more outgoing, and more confident. If there's something I don't like, then I'm not afraid to change it, where as before, I just went with it. I feel...much more different than I was. But yet, in a way, I'm still the same. I'm not so sure if that makes sense.
On another completely different note, I've started volunteering at the Space Center at Central Elementary again. I couldn't volunteer for a while because of my bad grades, but I'm back now. Here's hoping I can get a job!
~M.B.~
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Wow...I'm stressed already...
So what is it? Only the second week of school. And I've already almost hit the point of explosion as far as my stress. Surprisingly, my grades are not causing the stress. I think I will make a list of things making me very stressed right now because my brain thinks like Spock.
1. Getting the Harry Potter club together. I am still trying to find a teacher to be an advisor for the club, but all the teachers I've tried so far either already have a club, or show no interest.
2. My seminary teacher. I got assigned to one of the seminary teachers that is new to the school this year. Everything I outright hate in a person, seems to be in this guy. So, I absolutely cannot stand his class and, for the first time, am actually highly considering sluffing his class. (And I've been in some pretty bad classes before.) (Also, for future reference, the space bar does not have the same function as the shift button on a keyboard. I just barely had some difficulties with that.)
3. The constant battle of depression. I have to always have some task that is up next in my schedule, or else I end up getting bored with nothing to do and getting really sad. It's hard to always have something to do day after day.
4. My internship. I intern at the Discovery Space Center, but I haven't been in to actually intern instead of attending a meeting in a while, and I'm kind of afraid that they'll kick me. I've had a lot going on lately, with being sick, and then school starting and now all the following issues above.
5. Being alone most of the time. I've figured out that I get depressed in social situations, so I end up spending a lot of time alone to fend it off, which means I don't get to see my friends very often at all.
That felt good to get that all out. If you're not interested in my issues in life, at that least remember that the space bar and shift keys have very different functions, but can sometimes confuse you when you're trying to put in a parentheses, but you keep getting a 0.
~M.B.~
1. Getting the Harry Potter club together. I am still trying to find a teacher to be an advisor for the club, but all the teachers I've tried so far either already have a club, or show no interest.
2. My seminary teacher. I got assigned to one of the seminary teachers that is new to the school this year. Everything I outright hate in a person, seems to be in this guy. So, I absolutely cannot stand his class and, for the first time, am actually highly considering sluffing his class. (And I've been in some pretty bad classes before.) (Also, for future reference, the space bar does not have the same function as the shift button on a keyboard. I just barely had some difficulties with that.)
3. The constant battle of depression. I have to always have some task that is up next in my schedule, or else I end up getting bored with nothing to do and getting really sad. It's hard to always have something to do day after day.
4. My internship. I intern at the Discovery Space Center, but I haven't been in to actually intern instead of attending a meeting in a while, and I'm kind of afraid that they'll kick me. I've had a lot going on lately, with being sick, and then school starting and now all the following issues above.
5. Being alone most of the time. I've figured out that I get depressed in social situations, so I end up spending a lot of time alone to fend it off, which means I don't get to see my friends very often at all.
That felt good to get that all out. If you're not interested in my issues in life, at that least remember that the space bar and shift keys have very different functions, but can sometimes confuse you when you're trying to put in a parentheses, but you keep getting a 0.
~M.B.~
Thursday, August 15, 2013
The things people believe these days...
Well, I'm still writing my script. But I kinda got sidetracked through some ad on Facebook I saw for these pyramids that are supposed to cleanse you of negative energy. I really get a good laugh out of reading peoples' testimonials about weird items like that. I kinda ended up looking into them a bit further, and it made me really think about the false Gods that we run into. Most people just think of it as other churches, but you do see it quite a bit in companies. This specific company I was just looking at sold these glass pyramids filled with a bunch of different crystals and flecks of metal. There were descriptions of what these different things were supposed to do for you. People were supposed to meditate and worship these pyramids and it would give them less negative energy and cause something affect them based on the pyramid such as be wealthier, meet the love of their life, etc. You get the point. I looked a bit further into the guy that was the head of the company. To summarize, he basically claimed that he was chosen by God to create these pyramids and sell them to the general public, and that God would bless them with positive energy and vibrations if they meditated and worshiped the pyramid. It's not such an obvious false God as another church, but when you really think about it, it is. I know that I worded it to make it more obvious, but when you're just exploring their website (http://www.nuntech.com/), it's not something you really think about. I'm one that tends to keep an eye out for companies that are highly successful, but their products are not scientifically proven to work, in other words, pretty much a scam. Don't even get me started on doTerra. I really want to do a scientific study that proves their products don't work. Now I'm getting off topic. Back to false Gods, it's really sad to read the testimonials section on their website, with all these people that have tricked their brains into thinking that these pyramids actually work. It's just another good example of Placebo Effect. Anyways...I should probably get back to writing my script now.
~M.B.~
~M.B.~
Stranded
Right now, I am currently stranded downstairs at the computer writing a 20-page film script that is due tomorrow. I really shouldn't procrastinate so much. I just opened the window though, so it feels nicer breathing fresh air. While listening to the soundtrack to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I've already gone through Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Prince of Persia, and Nancy Drew. Well, I should probably get back to writing about a girl who the world can't see or hear, but she doesn't realize it.
~M.B.~
~M.B.~
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Thinking back on things...
So right now I'm kinda thinking about all of the feelings I've felt in the past when I've gotten really depressed. Maybe it has something to do with listening to 21 Guns on loop and catching up on old Space Center friends on Facebook, but I'm just gonna put out what I'm thinking right now before I forget, and so I can go back and read this later and remember all those feelings.
About a year and a half ago:
Hmmm...let's see...I was a freshman which was still in the junior high...I was looking forward to teching our school play, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat...I was just starting to get into that whole 'tech' thing...my friend circle was very small, mostly just consisting of friends that were also volunteers at the Space Center. So...for some reason (I can't really remember how it started) I felt a lot like I didn't matter and that nobody cared about me. Of course I knew that my parents and my religious leaders cared, but they never showed it, and my parents were always busy with other things, so I didn't get much attention. It wasn't really about attention though, it was about finding someone who truly understood me. I'm pretty sure that lots of people thought that I was really annoying by poking them, randomly following them, or tapping them on the opposite shoulder from where I was. But I think I was really just trying to get them to acknowledge me, or recognize that I was still there silently listening to their conversation. My space center friends shared the most in common as far as interests, but there were still very often times that they would talk about stuff I knew absolutely nothing about like Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, and lots of other Gameboy or Gamecube games that I had never played. Sometimes these conversations would even last for days. It made me feel kinda like a lump of lint to just sit there and eat my lunch while they talked on and on and on about things that made no sense to me. It also didn't help that one of my friends went through a phase where he was constantly saying "Go die in a hole." to me and other people rather often. I found it quite a bit offensive because that's kinda how I felt. I compared my feelings of life to being stuck in hole about 20 ft down in the ground and I couldn't get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I would look up and see blue sky and beautiful clouds up above me, but all I could do was look at them and dream that I could be out of the hole and sitting on the grass making shapes out of the clouds. But, alas, I was stuck in a hole. It was not cool feeling this way all the time, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't really trust anyone enough to tell them about all of the feelings inside of me, and anyways, I figured they wouldn't really truly understand. I didn't think that they would understand that even though I had lots of great things in my life, nothing would fill this empty pit inside of me.
Don't worry though, I eventually found other friends that didn't talk about Zelda all the time, and slowly, life got better and I moved on.
About half a year ago:
The feelings I felt this time were kinda the same as the time before but not entirely. I mainly felt ignored. I didn't feel so much of not mattering or no one caring. I still had my friends that I had found from my previous bout, but this was the first 'official' year of high school and they were always caught up in who's the cutest guy, school dances, date ideas, etc. This is not my kind of thing at all. I'm not interested in any of those things. My space center friends would always leave to go to someone's house during lunch, and our paths didn't cross very often between classes. Nothing can really explain the abandon I felt when they left and I realized that there was no one else around to talk to for about an hour. I felt like a loner who just sat and listened to everybody's conversations, but never being able to say anything relating to it because there is nothing that I would say. That may not make complete sense, but it's like if they're talking about high school dances, I'd never been to one and didn't care about them anyways. I knew what it felt like to sit down right next to one of my friends and be completely ignored for an entire hour. I would poke her and I think once I even punched her, but she was too caught up in talking about boys to notice. This really hurt me, and whenever I would accuse her of talking about boys or dances all the time, she wouldn't believe me. I obviously got tired of being ignored every single day, so I decided to try an experiment. I started sitting about ten feet away from their group a bit further horizontally down the steps where they would always sit day after day. Sometimes I would read my scriptures and sometimes I would draw in my sketchbook. I was never noticed, except once by accident when a loud noise startled me and I looked around to see what had caused it and made eye contact with one of them. I soon started trying different places to go. I eventually settled on outside the seminary building around the back. I would read my scriptures every day as I ate my lunch. I even remember being out there when it was snowing, keeping my scriptures under my trench coat so the snow wouldn't get the pages wet, and trying to read at the same time. I think it healed my sad feelings being out there reading the word of God where nobody could hurt me further. I continued to do this throughout the school year, and slowly, I found myself being able to stand hanging around those friends who had hurt me so much, but never listened when I tried to explain why. I obviously don't trust them as much as I used to. I think I discovered from it all is that it's better for me to spend most of my free time alone drawing or reading the scriptures. I'm not super great at social situations in general, especially if there isn't a common interest/topic.
I will see what next school year brings. But I think that I've finally figured out where I belong.
Don't worry about me, though. I think I've figured this all out. ;)
~M.B.~
About a year and a half ago:
Hmmm...let's see...I was a freshman which was still in the junior high...I was looking forward to teching our school play, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat...I was just starting to get into that whole 'tech' thing...my friend circle was very small, mostly just consisting of friends that were also volunteers at the Space Center. So...for some reason (I can't really remember how it started) I felt a lot like I didn't matter and that nobody cared about me. Of course I knew that my parents and my religious leaders cared, but they never showed it, and my parents were always busy with other things, so I didn't get much attention. It wasn't really about attention though, it was about finding someone who truly understood me. I'm pretty sure that lots of people thought that I was really annoying by poking them, randomly following them, or tapping them on the opposite shoulder from where I was. But I think I was really just trying to get them to acknowledge me, or recognize that I was still there silently listening to their conversation. My space center friends shared the most in common as far as interests, but there were still very often times that they would talk about stuff I knew absolutely nothing about like Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, and lots of other Gameboy or Gamecube games that I had never played. Sometimes these conversations would even last for days. It made me feel kinda like a lump of lint to just sit there and eat my lunch while they talked on and on and on about things that made no sense to me. It also didn't help that one of my friends went through a phase where he was constantly saying "Go die in a hole." to me and other people rather often. I found it quite a bit offensive because that's kinda how I felt. I compared my feelings of life to being stuck in hole about 20 ft down in the ground and I couldn't get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I would look up and see blue sky and beautiful clouds up above me, but all I could do was look at them and dream that I could be out of the hole and sitting on the grass making shapes out of the clouds. But, alas, I was stuck in a hole. It was not cool feeling this way all the time, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't really trust anyone enough to tell them about all of the feelings inside of me, and anyways, I figured they wouldn't really truly understand. I didn't think that they would understand that even though I had lots of great things in my life, nothing would fill this empty pit inside of me.
Don't worry though, I eventually found other friends that didn't talk about Zelda all the time, and slowly, life got better and I moved on.
About half a year ago:
The feelings I felt this time were kinda the same as the time before but not entirely. I mainly felt ignored. I didn't feel so much of not mattering or no one caring. I still had my friends that I had found from my previous bout, but this was the first 'official' year of high school and they were always caught up in who's the cutest guy, school dances, date ideas, etc. This is not my kind of thing at all. I'm not interested in any of those things. My space center friends would always leave to go to someone's house during lunch, and our paths didn't cross very often between classes. Nothing can really explain the abandon I felt when they left and I realized that there was no one else around to talk to for about an hour. I felt like a loner who just sat and listened to everybody's conversations, but never being able to say anything relating to it because there is nothing that I would say. That may not make complete sense, but it's like if they're talking about high school dances, I'd never been to one and didn't care about them anyways. I knew what it felt like to sit down right next to one of my friends and be completely ignored for an entire hour. I would poke her and I think once I even punched her, but she was too caught up in talking about boys to notice. This really hurt me, and whenever I would accuse her of talking about boys or dances all the time, she wouldn't believe me. I obviously got tired of being ignored every single day, so I decided to try an experiment. I started sitting about ten feet away from their group a bit further horizontally down the steps where they would always sit day after day. Sometimes I would read my scriptures and sometimes I would draw in my sketchbook. I was never noticed, except once by accident when a loud noise startled me and I looked around to see what had caused it and made eye contact with one of them. I soon started trying different places to go. I eventually settled on outside the seminary building around the back. I would read my scriptures every day as I ate my lunch. I even remember being out there when it was snowing, keeping my scriptures under my trench coat so the snow wouldn't get the pages wet, and trying to read at the same time. I think it healed my sad feelings being out there reading the word of God where nobody could hurt me further. I continued to do this throughout the school year, and slowly, I found myself being able to stand hanging around those friends who had hurt me so much, but never listened when I tried to explain why. I obviously don't trust them as much as I used to. I think I discovered from it all is that it's better for me to spend most of my free time alone drawing or reading the scriptures. I'm not super great at social situations in general, especially if there isn't a common interest/topic.
I will see what next school year brings. But I think that I've finally figured out where I belong.
Don't worry about me, though. I think I've figured this all out. ;)
~M.B.~
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Strange Goings on of tonight
I've said quite a few random things today, namely tonight. In fact more so than usual, and seen some things that are stranger than normal and I feel inclined to share. This post may not make a lot of sense to some of you, since it is mostly just random thoughts.
I think I played worked on arranging guitar parts for songs waaayyy too long today. By the end I was ticked off at the whole world and ended up screaming at inanimate objects.
This evening, ahhh....the sweet sound of motorcycles roaring out of neighbor's driveways and down the street....nothing could be more disturbing. Especially our neighbors that live right next to us on the corner. That guy sure loves tearing his motorcycle around that corner, which I can hear so well through the window in our basement.
Next, I hear a car skidding somewhere close by. Should I be worried, well, probably not as much as when I was sitting by a window at night in my grandma's apartment and a female screamed bloody murder. It was rather loud.
Now, I decide that I'm kinda hungry and Everlasting Gobstoppers and rootbeer flavored BottleCaps aren't going to cut it. I go into the kitchen and get myself some applesauce and Fresca. I marvel at how recently I've realized that my left hand is now stronger than my right hand from playing guitar.
Then I walk downstairs to place my applesauce and Fresca, and then look out the window a bit. I'm about to walk into the kitchen to look out the back window when I suddenly see something brown and leggy on the floor and suddenly exclaim, "Holy flip, that's a big spider!" It got scared and ran under the refrigerator. I then proceeded to report the spider to my dad. His door was closed, and when I opened it, I saw him clipping his nails with his shirt off wearing noise canceling head phones. It was super awkward. Now I know why he keeps his door closed sometimes.
That's all the strange things for now. I hope that spider doesn't do anything to me. I don't know what it would do, but it was big and fast, so it should just live under the fridge and never come out. Yeah, that sounds good. I don't like my applesauce and soda territory being threatened by something that can move much faster than me.
~M.B.~
I think I played worked on arranging guitar parts for songs waaayyy too long today. By the end I was ticked off at the whole world and ended up screaming at inanimate objects.
This evening, ahhh....the sweet sound of motorcycles roaring out of neighbor's driveways and down the street....nothing could be more disturbing. Especially our neighbors that live right next to us on the corner. That guy sure loves tearing his motorcycle around that corner, which I can hear so well through the window in our basement.
Next, I hear a car skidding somewhere close by. Should I be worried, well, probably not as much as when I was sitting by a window at night in my grandma's apartment and a female screamed bloody murder. It was rather loud.
Now, I decide that I'm kinda hungry and Everlasting Gobstoppers and rootbeer flavored BottleCaps aren't going to cut it. I go into the kitchen and get myself some applesauce and Fresca. I marvel at how recently I've realized that my left hand is now stronger than my right hand from playing guitar.
Then I walk downstairs to place my applesauce and Fresca, and then look out the window a bit. I'm about to walk into the kitchen to look out the back window when I suddenly see something brown and leggy on the floor and suddenly exclaim, "Holy flip, that's a big spider!" It got scared and ran under the refrigerator. I then proceeded to report the spider to my dad. His door was closed, and when I opened it, I saw him clipping his nails with his shirt off wearing noise canceling head phones. It was super awkward. Now I know why he keeps his door closed sometimes.
That's all the strange things for now. I hope that spider doesn't do anything to me. I don't know what it would do, but it was big and fast, so it should just live under the fridge and never come out. Yeah, that sounds good. I don't like my applesauce and soda territory being threatened by something that can move much faster than me.
~M.B.~
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
My awesome 404 page!
So...I decided to make a cool 404 page. Use the link below to go bask in its awesomeness. xD
http://theslytherinprefectblog.blogspot.com/2013/07/404.html
~M.B.~
http://theslytherinprefectblog.blogspot.com/2013/07/404.html
~M.B.~
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Dear, Hubcap
Dear Hubcap,
I know that you didn't want to stay on in California, so my grandma stuck you in the trunk. Here in Utah, my dad put you back on your wheel. Well, the next time I took you driving, you decided to fall off on some random road in Orem. And I left you there. I will not pamper you like my grandma did. It was your choice to fall off my car, so you will live on that random road. And probably get run over by a new driver like me. Or a semi driver that shows no mercy. I don't know where you are now, you could be in a dumpster all alone, or in some crazy old butler's 'Hubcaps of the World' collection. But you will always have a special place in my heart. I'll never let another hubcap fill your space.
Love,
Me
~M.B.~
I know that you didn't want to stay on in California, so my grandma stuck you in the trunk. Here in Utah, my dad put you back on your wheel. Well, the next time I took you driving, you decided to fall off on some random road in Orem. And I left you there. I will not pamper you like my grandma did. It was your choice to fall off my car, so you will live on that random road. And probably get run over by a new driver like me. Or a semi driver that shows no mercy. I don't know where you are now, you could be in a dumpster all alone, or in some crazy old butler's 'Hubcaps of the World' collection. But you will always have a special place in my heart. I'll never let another hubcap fill your space.
Love,
Me
~M.B.~
The constant pains of my life
I've gotten over my depression and sadness mostly lately. Now I am suffering through the physical pains brought on by the major trauma my body went through. I get intestinal pains 24/7. The pain isn't super bad, but it sure does wear down on you after a week and a half. I went to the doctor, and really the only thing I can do is get on a regular eating, sleeping and exercise schedule and wait it out. I have watched soooo much Netflix lately, it's started to become boring. I guess you could say that I'm bored of summer...already. I haven't seen much of my friends because...let's see...one of them lifeguards at the pool, one of them is in Colorado, one of them is doing I-don't-know-what at I-don't-know-where, a bunch of them are interning at the Discovery Space Center like all the time....Which reminds me...My soul has been reclaimed by the Discovery Space Center. I decided to go back and intern there for a few reasons:
1) I can't technically "volunteer" because my grades aren't good enough and will probably never be
2) My mom says I need to do something else with my summer besides watch The Office and Disney shows all day
3) I do kinda miss shooting children and doing the randomest of things inside a room modeled to look like a space ship
So...yeah...that's why I'm back there. Also, I'm really confused about what's going on at the original Space Center at Central Elementary. They opened for the summer for camps, they just can't have the kids spend the night. I've tried emailing the new director, but I haven't heard back from her in like a month...so...who knows? The previous director, Mr. Williamson, has moved on to another project at Renaissance Academy in Lehi, but he's still put himself in charge of all of the volunteer programs at Discovery and Central. I personally think that he needs to let go because it should be the responsibility of each space center to separately maintain their own volunteer programs and adjust them to their needs, but my opinion probably won't change anything.
On another note, something I've been fond of lately is going on scooter rides. And yes, I mean a push scooter. I do feel kind of like a young elementary school kid again whenever I ride it places. It's quite useful for getting exercise when I have a place I need to go that's either in my city, or in neighboring ones. My grandparents are moving soon though, so they have 2 old bikes in their basement and I will claim one of them for myself so I can go longer distances. I'm planning on maybe going up to the BYU Museum of Art with it, and maybe just wandering around all the cool buildings on campus. I will finally be able to go and appreciate art in a museum without my little brother around to disturb the peace.
Well, I think I might go on a scooter ride soon. I just have to decide, should I go to the cemetery, or to the temple?
~M.B.~
1) I can't technically "volunteer" because my grades aren't good enough and will probably never be
2) My mom says I need to do something else with my summer besides watch The Office and Disney shows all day
3) I do kinda miss shooting children and doing the randomest of things inside a room modeled to look like a space ship
So...yeah...that's why I'm back there. Also, I'm really confused about what's going on at the original Space Center at Central Elementary. They opened for the summer for camps, they just can't have the kids spend the night. I've tried emailing the new director, but I haven't heard back from her in like a month...so...who knows? The previous director, Mr. Williamson, has moved on to another project at Renaissance Academy in Lehi, but he's still put himself in charge of all of the volunteer programs at Discovery and Central. I personally think that he needs to let go because it should be the responsibility of each space center to separately maintain their own volunteer programs and adjust them to their needs, but my opinion probably won't change anything.
On another note, something I've been fond of lately is going on scooter rides. And yes, I mean a push scooter. I do feel kind of like a young elementary school kid again whenever I ride it places. It's quite useful for getting exercise when I have a place I need to go that's either in my city, or in neighboring ones. My grandparents are moving soon though, so they have 2 old bikes in their basement and I will claim one of them for myself so I can go longer distances. I'm planning on maybe going up to the BYU Museum of Art with it, and maybe just wandering around all the cool buildings on campus. I will finally be able to go and appreciate art in a museum without my little brother around to disturb the peace.
Well, I think I might go on a scooter ride soon. I just have to decide, should I go to the cemetery, or to the temple?
~M.B.~
Thursday, June 13, 2013
I'm gonna kinda rant a bit right now
Well, about 3 and a half weeks ago, my dear and best friend Logan committed suicide.. I'm not going to go into much detail about it here, cuz I only trust certain people with all the personal feelings and emotions that have been going on in my head lately. I am going to rant about something though: people that try to understand or comfort people in situations they know absolutely nothing about.
Now these people usually tend to act on a know-it-all way, which really makes me want to just slap them in the face. I haven't been to Young Women's in my ward since this all happened because all of the leaders and the girls act in just this way. There are kind of two halves to this that I've been seeing. 1) They all think that because my best friend committed suicide I'm at super high risk of it
2) They think that I can just suddenly be happy again
Now with 1) it really bugs me a lot. They keep trying to tell me I'm a child of God and I should never forget my worth. Well, great, but I already know that. I've kinda been LDS my whole life, and I've had what you just said ground into my head for the past 16 years. And I must point out that the 3 suicides that have occurred in PG over the past school year have had no relation to each other, in other words, none of them knew each other personally. I really hate when people get themselves all psyched out that I'm going to kill myself or something and so they try to preach to me 24/7 and drown me in quotes about life, and keep sharp/dangerous objects away from me. Like seriously people, could you get any less logical? I'm not going to sporadically stab myself while I'm cutting a watermelon or anything.
Now, 2). The cliche thing for LDS people to say after someone is affected by a death seems to be, "Don't worry, you'll see them again. Just be happy." Now I realize that that is just about the worst thing to say to someone that is dealing with this. My best friend, one of the joys of my life who made laugh in hard times is now gone, and you expect me to just suddenly be happy. Yeah, it doesn't work like that. I've discovered it will take a while for me to be happy after this. Yeah, there are times when I want to not be so sad all the time and not cry so much, but I can't just suddenly be happy. At times it feels impossible to be happy. And a lot of things that used to make me happy don't make me happy anymore. I guess some people haven't had traumatic events that have happened in their life that has put their happiness in question. And not just little things like not getting a perfect grade in a class, big things that send you into depression.
Now I really don't know if anyone reading this cares about my annoyances and musings, but I hope that you will remember to show more courtesy to people dealing with a death close to them, especially suicides. You never know what's going inside their head, and if they want to talk to you about it, then humbly give them suggestions and comfort, but if they don't talk to you about it, then don't probe them further. It will only make them hate you. Which has unfortunately occurred in my case, and I really don't like my Young Women leaders or the girls. I kind of want them to just cease to exist in my world.
Well, I think that's all I have to rant about right now.
~M.B.~
Now these people usually tend to act on a know-it-all way, which really makes me want to just slap them in the face. I haven't been to Young Women's in my ward since this all happened because all of the leaders and the girls act in just this way. There are kind of two halves to this that I've been seeing. 1) They all think that because my best friend committed suicide I'm at super high risk of it
2) They think that I can just suddenly be happy again
Now with 1) it really bugs me a lot. They keep trying to tell me I'm a child of God and I should never forget my worth. Well, great, but I already know that. I've kinda been LDS my whole life, and I've had what you just said ground into my head for the past 16 years. And I must point out that the 3 suicides that have occurred in PG over the past school year have had no relation to each other, in other words, none of them knew each other personally. I really hate when people get themselves all psyched out that I'm going to kill myself or something and so they try to preach to me 24/7 and drown me in quotes about life, and keep sharp/dangerous objects away from me. Like seriously people, could you get any less logical? I'm not going to sporadically stab myself while I'm cutting a watermelon or anything.
Now, 2). The cliche thing for LDS people to say after someone is affected by a death seems to be, "Don't worry, you'll see them again. Just be happy." Now I realize that that is just about the worst thing to say to someone that is dealing with this. My best friend, one of the joys of my life who made laugh in hard times is now gone, and you expect me to just suddenly be happy. Yeah, it doesn't work like that. I've discovered it will take a while for me to be happy after this. Yeah, there are times when I want to not be so sad all the time and not cry so much, but I can't just suddenly be happy. At times it feels impossible to be happy. And a lot of things that used to make me happy don't make me happy anymore. I guess some people haven't had traumatic events that have happened in their life that has put their happiness in question. And not just little things like not getting a perfect grade in a class, big things that send you into depression.
Now I really don't know if anyone reading this cares about my annoyances and musings, but I hope that you will remember to show more courtesy to people dealing with a death close to them, especially suicides. You never know what's going inside their head, and if they want to talk to you about it, then humbly give them suggestions and comfort, but if they don't talk to you about it, then don't probe them further. It will only make them hate you. Which has unfortunately occurred in my case, and I really don't like my Young Women leaders or the girls. I kind of want them to just cease to exist in my world.
Well, I think that's all I have to rant about right now.
~M.B.~
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