It Got Lost

I stumbled across some music today that got lost.  I completely forgot that I owned it.  I randomly ran into it on an old playlist.  It's been a really long time since I listened to it.  Approximately 1.5 years.  This music is leaking out old memories.  No wonder I let it get lost.  I can remember listening to this during a drive to California.  I did a lot of thinking on that drive.  I can feel the hurt that I felt on a road trip to visit Disneyland 2 weeks after my best friend died.  I deposited so much pain and despair into the melody of this music.  So many feelings that I buried deep are suddenly resurfaced.  I'm shaking because it hurts so much.  But this is what I do.  When people go away, I just slowly forget them.  Forget their voice.  Forget their personality.  Forget their memory.  They'll just disappear into some archive in my mind never to be dusted off again.  Except by music.  For some reason I tend to release emotions into music.  And then I never listen to that music again.  A new song just came up on this album.  I'm now remembering that summer.  Full of dangerous scooter rides.  And many, many visits to the cemetery.  Without the music, these memories are gone.  I have erased all links to them.  So that even if I somehow got into a conversation with someone about cemeteries, this memory wouldn't come to mind.  The memories are so strong.  As if they didn't have a year of dust on them.  I wonder....if this music came on in a store, or on the radio, would I stay to listen?  Or would I shut out the pain?  So many days sitting in the grass by that one grave.  That one evening I tried to read a book to it, but getting bit my mosquitoes all over instead.  But now that I know how I've been coping with such a painful event in my life, how will I use this?  Maybe I'll visit these memories more often.  Whatever is going on in them, something is unresolved there.  Or else I wouldn't have shut it out to such an extent.  Even though that pain has been shut out, it must still be hurting my life.  And I should find a way to stop that pain.  I'm sure that I'll think of something.  I always do.  Despite how bad my bouts of depression got last year, I always found a solution.  And when I'm having a hard time seeing a solution in sight, somehow, there are always people around to help pull me back out of the ditch I dig for myself.  They pull me out and convince me that I can find a way.  They give me hope when I can't find it myself.  And to these people, I owe everything.  Because they have given me everything.  Someday I will find who I truly am.  Because I don't have a personality.  I adjust it differently to each person that I talk to.  Someday I will find which personality is mine.  Someday I will stop locking up my emotions.  I have a very hard time crying.  My body physically stops me.  But I'm still crying inside.  Where did that notion in my head that emotion shows weakness come from?  Because it is hurting me.  Music is somehow the key to all of this.  I need to re-explore all these lost memories.  There's something in there that needs to be found.

~M.B.~

What is Religion, Really?

I've really been thinking and compiling my thoughts recently on religion.  I had an epiphany a few days ago. Religion hits the core emotions that every human goes through.  Let me extrapolate:

Religion is human.  Religion is people wanting to believe that there is an all-powerful being that will love them and help them with their problems. 

People are scared.  They are afraid that they will get hurt, or something will come along and destroy everything that they have made for themselves.  They need to believe that there is a supernatural being in the sky that will protect them if they pray right, or perform the right rituals.

People don't know what will come of their life.  They don't know what direction they should take in their life.  They don't know what will happen when they die.  They don't know where they came from.  They need to believe that there is a heaven/hell when they die.  They need to believe that a supernatural being in the sky has their life planned out for them.

People want to be loved.  It is human instinct to want to be loved and accepted by as many people as possible.  They need to believe that there is a supernatural being in the sky that will love them no matter what.

People are afraid of messing up.  They want to be perfect.  They feel like when they do something to hurt someone, they need to feel like they can redeem themselves.  They need to believe that there is a supernatural being in the sky that will forgive them and make everything right again.

People have problems.  Hard things happen in everyone's lives.  They need to believe that there is a supernatural being in the sky that will help them solve all of their problems.


What I'm getting at is that religion is people. It is so human.  It is formed by human emotions and needs.  Humanity still has the same needs that it had hundreds of years ago.  That's why religion still hasn't faded.  Humans will still be humans.  They will still have the same problems, just in different contexts.  Religion is humanity. 

Religion is powerful.  If you believe enough in something, your brain will make it become real to you.  If you convince yourself that you will feel a certain way after doing a ritual, then you actually will feel something.  Many people have psychology healed themselves just through placebo effect.  I think that people really misjudge and miscalculate just how powerful your brain is.  If you believe strongly enough that rubbing watermelon all over your skin will help your flu get better, it actually will.  Brains make connections with things that don't exist.  If you think that the local newspaper is hiding a conspiracy in code in one of the articles, then you will find that your brain is finding many secret conspiracy messages in just an innocent newspaper.  Belief drives your brain.  Belief becomes stronger with more people.  Religion is just belief playing games with your brain.  Many religions have a large community.  They all pressure you to believe strongly in their doctrines.  You start to believe, since logic says, "If so many people believe in that one thing, then it must be real!"  But people can't be trusted.  People follow their emotions.  People are making assumptions.  People don't actually know what's really out there.  People don't know if there really are supernatural beings in the sky.  People love to believe.  It fulfills their worries.  They can feel safe. I prefer not to put my trust in something that doesn't exist outside of everyone's brains. 

I get scared sometimes.  Something terrible might happen to me, or people close to me.  But I am facing my fears.  I'm not trying to hide my worries with some supposed supernatural being in the sky.  I am facing my problems head-on.  I am finding ways to cope. 

I don't know what will happen in my life.  But I know what I'm interested in.  I have a pretty good idea of fun things that I want to reach for in my life.  I have decided that I'm not going to let a non-existent supernatural being in the sky tell me where I should move to.  I have decided that I'm not going to let people who think that their religion knows where and what I need to do take over my life.  I am going to follow my dreams, and if I end up living on a park bench eating out of dumpsters, at least I tried.  It's better to try and fail, than to never try at all. 

I don't know what happens after I die.  I also don't know if I came from another life before this.  I figure that I'll worry about dying when it comes.  I might not even have time to think when it comes.

I want to be loved.  Every human is born with the want to be loved.  But I have found that I have some very good people in my life.  They love and accept me for who I am.  I trust them.  And if they turn around and hurt me back, it'll hurt, but what's life without a little hurt? I'll eventually get over with it and move on.  Life is full of setbacks, but I can decide to slap those setbacks in the face.

I'm a bit afraid of messing up.  I worry sometimes about if something I said came off as a bit offensive to someone.  I worry if my attempt at a joke was a bit mean.  I worry if my anxiety came off as self-centered.  But I have to stop being afraid.  No human can be perfect.  No one.  People will mess up.  People will hurt other people.  It's only human.  I'll stop worrying and move on.  I won't dwell on those thoughts.  All it does is cause me to convince myself that I'm a bad person.  And that is poison to anybody's soul.

I have problems.  Heck, everybody does.  I have so many huge problems happening in my life.  And I encounter so many little, almost petty ones, throughout each day.  But I need to learn to deal with them myself.  No one is going to magically take away my mental disorders.  I have to cope.  No one is going to magically make me do better on that math test.  I have to make that happen.  No one is going to make money or food magically appear on my doorstep.  I have to go get my own money and food.  I have to make things happen myself.  I have to deal with things myself.  And I can choose to slap them in the face.


I just want anyone is curious about me to know that I don't need religion in my life.  I know that my life is hard, and I have realized that no supernatural being in the sky is the answer to everything.  I have to face hard.  And I certainly don't like to trust in things that don't exist.  But, I am not slamming any of your religions.  I am open to learning.  I will probably say, "Hmmm, that's interesting." or "That's a fascinating idea." or "I'm glad that you've found something to put your heart and soul into."  Really, I am happy for all of you that have found a religion that rings true to you.  If you preach about it to me, I'll still be nice.  I will try as hard as I can to politely decline you, or politely leave the conversation when things get a little too political for me. 

I am very open-minded.  It's just that religion isn't for me.  Religion was never meant  to be for everyone.  It has never been an absolute requirement for living a life.  I have a right to live a life the way that I truly desire.  I'm not trying to be rebellious.  I'm just trying to find me.  I know that there is still more of me hiding deep down somewhere, just waiting to be found.  And I'm going to find it.

~M.B.~

The Great Religious Debacle

I must honestly admit that I have never really liked the LDS church.  And I have been avoiding the conversation where I spill it to my parents for quite a while now.  But, about a week ago, I finally got up the courage to tell them.  And, understandably, they got mad.  But, by now, I'm a bit annoyed that they are still mad at me.  I'm not calling them naive or brainwashed, or slamming their church in front of them.  I'm actually being very professional about the whole situation.  Not once have I raised my voice in return at them.  I simply state to them that I am so happy that they are in a religion that they really believe in and gives them what they need in their lives.  But this church isn't giving me that.  It's giving me anger and pain.  So, I'd like the opportunity to look at some other religions and see what they have to offer.  But, of course, they get mad at me again.  It just really ticks me off that I'm being super nice about this whole thing and making sure not to offend them, and all they do is try to force their religion on me even more.  Which makes everything worse.  They keep saying that I don't know the LDS church well enough.  I've been in it all my life.  If you are only counting since when I can remember, that's still over 10 years.  I know it backwards and forwards.  I know what I'm talking about when I say I don't like it.  But they don't seem to get that.  And so begins The Great Religious Debacle, which will tear at our family's relationships until my parents can be a little bit more open-minded and not so restricting.  I'd best settle in, this could last a while. 


~M.G.B.~

You Should Know This

Hi.  I'm gay.  Just to let you know.  I'm also confused.  Some people say it's okay, and some people say I should fight it.  But, I just really wanted to rant a bit in a very organized way, and just to let people maybe have a small glimpse into my world. 

1. Don't say I chose this.

Because I didn't.  Why would I ever choose to be so confused and conflicted and hurt as I am now? 





2. Don't try to avoid me just because of this learned information.

Just like straight girls aren't attracted to every man in the world, I am not attracted to every woman in the world.


3.  Don't say that if I pray a lot, then I can 'magically' be attracted to men again.

It doesn't work like that.  I completely understand that it may seem so strange and alien to you that I am not attracted to men, or just someone of the opposite gender.  But, see, to me it seems so alien to be attracted to men.  It is foreign and makes absolutely no logical sense to me.  Most people seem to have a very hard difficulty understanding that, which is okay, as long as they do not say anything along the lines of the above statement.


4.  Don't say specifically to me, "Don't you want a family?"

Because I don't.  At least not now.  It seems very foreign to me.  Probably because I am not attracted to men.  I have never been able to understand/judge a cuteness factor of a guy.   It makes me shudder to imagine myself marrying a man.  I'm sure that seems really, really weird to you, but that's honestly how I feel.


5.  Don't call me a sinner.

I haven't actually done anything seriously wrong in any way.  It's just thoughts.



That's all I can think of right now that really bothers me.  Also, I really need someone to talk to.  Face to face.  Someone who will listen to me, instead of trying to counsel me on things that they will never understand.  Really, being gay is not something you can ever, ever understand unless you actually feel those feelings.  Also, if anybody reading this happens to be of the LDS faith, you might want to know that I am considering being excommunicated.  The LDS church is so centered around families, and I feel very excluded and like I don't belong there.  Also, many of the people I know in this church have created the need for the rants above.  I am open to listening to constructive comments on this, though.  I am totally open to hearing any reasons of why I shouldn't leave.

Please, please, please someone talk to me.  It's been way too long since I've actually had a good talk with someone that I trust.


~M.B.~

The Tolls of Loneliness

Basically I'm lonely.  This tends to happen a lot.  I work better alone, so I guess that must be part of it.  I've been feeling especially lonely lately, and then it came to me tonight!  I will use this blog that I have forgotten about for many months, because it always feels better to just get it all out.  I'm not the sort of person to just talk to people about all my problems, but you have been warned if you want to continue reading or not. 

So...Large Problem #1

I am attracted to women.  Not men.  Women.  It really creeps me out and scares me a lot.  I've been trying to fight it, but I don't know how.  It just doesn't go away.  I'm rather scared of myself.  I don't know what to do about it, so I try to just forget and consume myself with other things, which currently is spending all my free time at the Space Center. 

Large Problem #2

My anxiety issues have increased very much during the past few months.  I have anxiety attacks much more often.  Even though it pains me so much, I'm going to have to drop a drama class called Productions that all of my friends are in just because of anxiety.  I've learned recently from my friend casting me in a play in her theatre group that acting in a theatre environment is quite the guarantee to cause an anxiety attack, and having me memorize lines will build up stress inside of me, that will eventually explode causing me to get angry and insult many people.  It just hurt me so much that I'm going to have to drop an absolutely amazing class where I'm friends with almost everyone because of problems outside of my control.

Large Problem #3  (This is actually the largest problem currently)

Not only has my anxiety increased over the past few months, but so has my obsessive compulsive tendencies.  As a kid, I had OCD really bad.  I distinctly remember getting stuck turning light switches on and off for 20 minutes one time, and hitting the water barrel in our backyard a certain amount of times in different places.  There was no logic to it, but if I didn't do it, it would bother me forever.  All of these different things took hours to do each day.  Over the years, I've gotten better at defeating these senseless tasks with logic.  But, recently it's flared up again.  Some of you that see me more often may notice that sometimes I get stuck doing a certain pattern, which is usually drawing or tapping something with my hands or my feet.  I also draw W's EVERYWHERE.  It is super annoying to have to always be doing some sort of pattern or drawing W's.  Often times I won't even realize that I'm making a pattern.  I also almost constantly have random, but strong thoughts that tell me to do terrible things.  Most minor of these are thoughts such as, 'throw your glasses out the open window of your car while on State Street', 'throw that cup of water at someone's head' etc.    This scares me, and I'm constantly having to fight them down, or often I'll tell my hypothalamus to be quiet. 


So, all in all, I'm quite terrified of myself right now.  But if you ask me how I am, I'll just say good like I always do.  I hide my problems most of the time, which usually leads to many emotional breakdowns and stress explosions.  But it feels good to get this all out.  Even if it is just to empty space.  Who knows?  Maybe someone will read this and want to talk to me.  I feel like I'm just typing random ramblings of my head right now.  But good things are happening in my life too.  Lots of things that I can be very happy about.  And I spend time at the Space Center with some really great people, so they help lift me up away from my problems for a few hours.

I should end this before I ramble more...which will grow steadily more and more off topic......


~M.B.~

Some people just keep me from being free...

I realize I haven't written anything on here in a while.  Sorry about that.  My life has been pretty okay lately.  But right now, I really feel like expressing my feelings on a certain topic.  That would be singing.  I am sooo tired of not being able to sing whenever I want to.  I can't ever sing in my house, or even my own room without being made fun of or yelled at.  And I'm sick of it.  I understand that it's a bit weird that I'm a girl and I sing tenor.  It may shock you at first hearing a guy's voice come out of a girl.  It's taken me a while to accept it myself, but now that I have, I'm confident and proud of it.  But it is so insulting when my own family doesn't want to put up with something that I love.  It is especially hurtful when it is in fact your own dad yelling at you for even just humming the low bass notes along with a song.  I've learned to hum quietly enough that you would have to strain your ears to hear me, and he even has noise cancelling headphones.  But apparently I'm just "too distracting" for him.  I realize this may seem like a bit of rant, but sometimes I just need to get all my feelings out.  And realize that if you can sing in your own house, you are so, so lucky.  I have such a difficulty singing in front of people, because I'm used to the first response being insults.  But I do feel like my confidence is slowing growing back from singing loudly in my car with the windows down and dancing to my music on long walks.  Maybe some day it'll finally grow back completely....

~M.B.~