Basically I'm lonely. This tends to happen a lot. I work better alone, so I guess that must be part of it. I've been feeling especially lonely lately, and then it came to me tonight! I will use this blog that I have forgotten about for many months, because it always feels better to just get it all out. I'm not the sort of person to just talk to people about all my problems, but you have been warned if you want to continue reading or not.
So...Large Problem #1
I am attracted to women. Not men. Women. It really creeps me out and scares me a lot. I've been trying to fight it, but I don't know how. It just doesn't go away. I'm rather scared of myself. I don't know what to do about it, so I try to just forget and consume myself with other things, which currently is spending all my free time at the Space Center.
Large Problem #2
My anxiety issues have increased very much during the past few months. I have anxiety attacks much more often. Even though it pains me so much, I'm going to have to drop a drama class called Productions that all of my friends are in just because of anxiety. I've learned recently from my friend casting me in a play in her theatre group that acting in a theatre environment is quite the guarantee to cause an anxiety attack, and having me memorize lines will build up stress inside of me, that will eventually explode causing me to get angry and insult many people. It just hurt me so much that I'm going to have to drop an absolutely amazing class where I'm friends with almost everyone because of problems outside of my control.
Large Problem #3 (This is actually the largest problem currently)
Not only has my anxiety increased over the past few months, but so has my obsessive compulsive tendencies. As a kid, I had OCD really bad. I distinctly remember getting stuck turning light switches on and off for 20 minutes one time, and hitting the water barrel in our backyard a certain amount of times in different places. There was no logic to it, but if I didn't do it, it would bother me forever. All of these different things took hours to do each day. Over the years, I've gotten better at defeating these senseless tasks with logic. But, recently it's flared up again. Some of you that see me more often may notice that sometimes I get stuck doing a certain pattern, which is usually drawing or tapping something with my hands or my feet. I also draw W's EVERYWHERE. It is super annoying to have to always be doing some sort of pattern or drawing W's. Often times I won't even realize that I'm making a pattern. I also almost constantly have random, but strong thoughts that tell me to do terrible things. Most minor of these are thoughts such as, 'throw your glasses out the open window of your car while on State Street', 'throw that cup of water at someone's head' etc. This scares me, and I'm constantly having to fight them down, or often I'll tell my hypothalamus to be quiet.
So, all in all, I'm quite terrified of myself right now. But if you ask me how I am, I'll just say good like I always do. I hide my problems most of the time, which usually leads to many emotional breakdowns and stress explosions. But it feels good to get this all out. Even if it is just to empty space. Who knows? Maybe someone will read this and want to talk to me. I feel like I'm just typing random ramblings of my head right now. But good things are happening in my life too. Lots of things that I can be very happy about. And I spend time at the Space Center with some really great people, so they help lift me up away from my problems for a few hours.
I should end this before I ramble more...which will grow steadily more and more off topic......
~M.B.~
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