Hi. I'm gay. Just to let you know. I'm also confused. Some people say it's okay, and some people say I should fight it. But, I just really wanted to rant a bit in a very organized way, and just to let people maybe have a small glimpse into my world.
1. Don't say I chose this.
Because I didn't. Why would I ever choose to be so confused and conflicted and hurt as I am now?
2. Don't try to avoid me just because of this learned information.
Just like straight girls aren't attracted to every man in the world, I am not attracted to every woman in the world.
3. Don't say that if I pray a lot, then I can 'magically' be attracted to men again.
It doesn't work like that. I completely understand that it may seem so strange and alien to you that I am not attracted to men, or just someone of the opposite gender. But, see, to me it seems so alien to be attracted to men. It is foreign and makes absolutely no logical sense to me. Most people seem to have a very hard difficulty understanding that, which is okay, as long as they do not say anything along the lines of the above statement.
4. Don't say specifically to me, "Don't you want a family?"
Because I don't. At least not now. It seems very foreign to me. Probably because I am not attracted to men. I have never been able to understand/judge a cuteness factor of a guy. It makes me shudder to imagine myself marrying a man. I'm sure that seems really, really weird to you, but that's honestly how I feel.
5. Don't call me a sinner.
I haven't actually done anything seriously wrong in any way. It's just thoughts.
That's all I can think of right now that really bothers me. Also, I really need someone to talk to. Face to face. Someone who will listen to me, instead of trying to counsel me on things that they will never understand. Really, being gay is not something you can ever, ever understand unless you actually feel those feelings. Also, if anybody reading this happens to be of the LDS faith, you might want to know that I am considering being excommunicated. The LDS church is so centered around families, and I feel very excluded and like I don't belong there. Also, many of the people I know in this church have created the need for the rants above. I am open to listening to constructive comments on this, though. I am totally open to hearing any reasons of why I shouldn't leave.
Please, please, please someone talk to me. It's been way too long since I've actually had a good talk with someone that I trust.
~M.B.~
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
The Tolls of Loneliness
Basically I'm lonely. This tends to happen a lot. I work better alone, so I guess that must be part of it. I've been feeling especially lonely lately, and then it came to me tonight! I will use this blog that I have forgotten about for many months, because it always feels better to just get it all out. I'm not the sort of person to just talk to people about all my problems, but you have been warned if you want to continue reading or not.
So...Large Problem #1
I am attracted to women. Not men. Women. It really creeps me out and scares me a lot. I've been trying to fight it, but I don't know how. It just doesn't go away. I'm rather scared of myself. I don't know what to do about it, so I try to just forget and consume myself with other things, which currently is spending all my free time at the Space Center.
Large Problem #2
My anxiety issues have increased very much during the past few months. I have anxiety attacks much more often. Even though it pains me so much, I'm going to have to drop a drama class called Productions that all of my friends are in just because of anxiety. I've learned recently from my friend casting me in a play in her theatre group that acting in a theatre environment is quite the guarantee to cause an anxiety attack, and having me memorize lines will build up stress inside of me, that will eventually explode causing me to get angry and insult many people. It just hurt me so much that I'm going to have to drop an absolutely amazing class where I'm friends with almost everyone because of problems outside of my control.
Large Problem #3 (This is actually the largest problem currently)
Not only has my anxiety increased over the past few months, but so has my obsessive compulsive tendencies. As a kid, I had OCD really bad. I distinctly remember getting stuck turning light switches on and off for 20 minutes one time, and hitting the water barrel in our backyard a certain amount of times in different places. There was no logic to it, but if I didn't do it, it would bother me forever. All of these different things took hours to do each day. Over the years, I've gotten better at defeating these senseless tasks with logic. But, recently it's flared up again. Some of you that see me more often may notice that sometimes I get stuck doing a certain pattern, which is usually drawing or tapping something with my hands or my feet. I also draw W's EVERYWHERE. It is super annoying to have to always be doing some sort of pattern or drawing W's. Often times I won't even realize that I'm making a pattern. I also almost constantly have random, but strong thoughts that tell me to do terrible things. Most minor of these are thoughts such as, 'throw your glasses out the open window of your car while on State Street', 'throw that cup of water at someone's head' etc. This scares me, and I'm constantly having to fight them down, or often I'll tell my hypothalamus to be quiet.
So, all in all, I'm quite terrified of myself right now. But if you ask me how I am, I'll just say good like I always do. I hide my problems most of the time, which usually leads to many emotional breakdowns and stress explosions. But it feels good to get this all out. Even if it is just to empty space. Who knows? Maybe someone will read this and want to talk to me. I feel like I'm just typing random ramblings of my head right now. But good things are happening in my life too. Lots of things that I can be very happy about. And I spend time at the Space Center with some really great people, so they help lift me up away from my problems for a few hours.
I should end this before I ramble more...which will grow steadily more and more off topic......
~M.B.~
So...Large Problem #1
I am attracted to women. Not men. Women. It really creeps me out and scares me a lot. I've been trying to fight it, but I don't know how. It just doesn't go away. I'm rather scared of myself. I don't know what to do about it, so I try to just forget and consume myself with other things, which currently is spending all my free time at the Space Center.
Large Problem #2
My anxiety issues have increased very much during the past few months. I have anxiety attacks much more often. Even though it pains me so much, I'm going to have to drop a drama class called Productions that all of my friends are in just because of anxiety. I've learned recently from my friend casting me in a play in her theatre group that acting in a theatre environment is quite the guarantee to cause an anxiety attack, and having me memorize lines will build up stress inside of me, that will eventually explode causing me to get angry and insult many people. It just hurt me so much that I'm going to have to drop an absolutely amazing class where I'm friends with almost everyone because of problems outside of my control.
Large Problem #3 (This is actually the largest problem currently)
Not only has my anxiety increased over the past few months, but so has my obsessive compulsive tendencies. As a kid, I had OCD really bad. I distinctly remember getting stuck turning light switches on and off for 20 minutes one time, and hitting the water barrel in our backyard a certain amount of times in different places. There was no logic to it, but if I didn't do it, it would bother me forever. All of these different things took hours to do each day. Over the years, I've gotten better at defeating these senseless tasks with logic. But, recently it's flared up again. Some of you that see me more often may notice that sometimes I get stuck doing a certain pattern, which is usually drawing or tapping something with my hands or my feet. I also draw W's EVERYWHERE. It is super annoying to have to always be doing some sort of pattern or drawing W's. Often times I won't even realize that I'm making a pattern. I also almost constantly have random, but strong thoughts that tell me to do terrible things. Most minor of these are thoughts such as, 'throw your glasses out the open window of your car while on State Street', 'throw that cup of water at someone's head' etc. This scares me, and I'm constantly having to fight them down, or often I'll tell my hypothalamus to be quiet.
So, all in all, I'm quite terrified of myself right now. But if you ask me how I am, I'll just say good like I always do. I hide my problems most of the time, which usually leads to many emotional breakdowns and stress explosions. But it feels good to get this all out. Even if it is just to empty space. Who knows? Maybe someone will read this and want to talk to me. I feel like I'm just typing random ramblings of my head right now. But good things are happening in my life too. Lots of things that I can be very happy about. And I spend time at the Space Center with some really great people, so they help lift me up away from my problems for a few hours.
I should end this before I ramble more...which will grow steadily more and more off topic......
~M.B.~
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)