It Got Lost

I stumbled across some music today that got lost.  I completely forgot that I owned it.  I randomly ran into it on an old playlist.  It's been a really long time since I listened to it.  Approximately 1.5 years.  This music is leaking out old memories.  No wonder I let it get lost.  I can remember listening to this during a drive to California.  I did a lot of thinking on that drive.  I can feel the hurt that I felt on a road trip to visit Disneyland 2 weeks after my best friend died.  I deposited so much pain and despair into the melody of this music.  So many feelings that I buried deep are suddenly resurfaced.  I'm shaking because it hurts so much.  But this is what I do.  When people go away, I just slowly forget them.  Forget their voice.  Forget their personality.  Forget their memory.  They'll just disappear into some archive in my mind never to be dusted off again.  Except by music.  For some reason I tend to release emotions into music.  And then I never listen to that music again.  A new song just came up on this album.  I'm now remembering that summer.  Full of dangerous scooter rides.  And many, many visits to the cemetery.  Without the music, these memories are gone.  I have erased all links to them.  So that even if I somehow got into a conversation with someone about cemeteries, this memory wouldn't come to mind.  The memories are so strong.  As if they didn't have a year of dust on them.  I wonder....if this music came on in a store, or on the radio, would I stay to listen?  Or would I shut out the pain?  So many days sitting in the grass by that one grave.  That one evening I tried to read a book to it, but getting bit my mosquitoes all over instead.  But now that I know how I've been coping with such a painful event in my life, how will I use this?  Maybe I'll visit these memories more often.  Whatever is going on in them, something is unresolved there.  Or else I wouldn't have shut it out to such an extent.  Even though that pain has been shut out, it must still be hurting my life.  And I should find a way to stop that pain.  I'm sure that I'll think of something.  I always do.  Despite how bad my bouts of depression got last year, I always found a solution.  And when I'm having a hard time seeing a solution in sight, somehow, there are always people around to help pull me back out of the ditch I dig for myself.  They pull me out and convince me that I can find a way.  They give me hope when I can't find it myself.  And to these people, I owe everything.  Because they have given me everything.  Someday I will find who I truly am.  Because I don't have a personality.  I adjust it differently to each person that I talk to.  Someday I will find which personality is mine.  Someday I will stop locking up my emotions.  I have a very hard time crying.  My body physically stops me.  But I'm still crying inside.  Where did that notion in my head that emotion shows weakness come from?  Because it is hurting me.  Music is somehow the key to all of this.  I need to re-explore all these lost memories.  There's something in there that needs to be found.

~M.B.~