My last chronicle in what I am calling 'My Story' was all about the event that started it all. The day my best friend died. http://hrmmmgrermmblerg.blogspot.com/2013/12/my-story-part-1.html
It's been about a year since I wrote that. So many things have changed since then. I've gone through so much depression, and I've gone pretty close to suicide. I guess you could call this what happened this year. But not in a things sense, rather in an emotional sense. Sometimes I need a place to get out my thoughts before I forget them. That's what this blog is for. I am confident enough to expose emotional times when I was at a point of weakness to whoever is willing to read them. And that's fine. That leaves less to hide.
Life was really depressing this past year. January through May I threw myself at stress. I didn't know how to deal with my depression, but I realized that if I kept myself very busy, then I could just forget about it. So I did shows. I did two shows during that time, one which I stage managed. I found that stress made me happy in a weird way. When I was stressed about my show, there were so many things that needed to be done in a certain time frame constantly running through my mind. That left no thinking time for depression. It was a temporary solution.
During March through May I started to discover something new about myself. Something that I had always known about, but never realized exactly what it was. I realized I was gay. It took me a few months to accept. I was scared. I was in a community and a family that weren't particularly friendly towards anyone LGBT. I got so scared that I tried going to a friend that I thought I trusted. I was very wrong about her. She tried to un-gay me. I went along with it for a few week, but I felt so lonely. It didn't feel right to fight against my attractions. It feels so utterly lonely to know that you have no future. That you will forever be alone. There will be no one ever there to help you through all of your hard times and always be your best friend. It was the worst feeling in the world. I eventually decided that I was going to follow my heart, no matter what this 'friend' said. She wasn't me, so there was no possible way that she could understand me, let alone try to tell me what was right for me.
Over the summer I started to gain more confidence in my new found identity. I didn't feel quite as depressed as I did through the first half of the year, but something didn't quite feel right. As the months led into July, I realized that the problem was religion. I was part of a church that was outright against gays and the LGBT community. I was also part of a church that was against feminism, and all for gender stereotyping. I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. In August, I finally told my parents what I thought of the church they had raised me in and they freaked out and got really, really mad at me. For the next few weeks, they forced me to go to their church meetings with them, and constantly pestered me to go through the motions that everyone does in their church to gain back their faith. In September I got a job at Wendy's. I hated that job so much, and going into it, I knew that I would hate it, but I needed a job that would force me to work on Sundays. School was not much better. I was forced to go to a seminary that was only shoving the church into my face even more. My friends weren't much better. Any one of them that I talked to about it would stop talking to me for anywhere from a few days to a week, and then would eventually say something along the lines of, "I think I'm ready to accept your decision, but please remember that the church is always here to welcome you back. I think you really belong here." Like I needed their 'approval'. And I most certainly don't want people preaching to me. I just simply don't want to be a part of a church that doesn't support who I am, or the community of people like me. We're just a bit different. That's all. Still normal people in here.
In October, I finally went off the deep end. My parents and friends were making my life a veritable hell. I wanted to escape, but didn't know how. I started to make plans. Plans to go down to the Frontrunner tracks and wait for a train to come. But not at a station. A train like the Frontrunner can get going up to speeds of around 75 or 80 mph. And it takes an entire mile to stop. That would be enough, right? But I got a bit scared. Toying with these feelings felt dangerous. So late one night I reached out to someone. And that person reached out to my parents. And so they found out. But it turned out to be good. I went to a therapist, where I discovered that I was showing some symptoms of anxiety. Which made sense. But I found I could use that to pin an excuse on why I hated my parents' church. I could blame it on the church members in our area. It wasn't a complete lie, some of it was true. My parents couldn't accept the fact that I was gay. They thought that it was just a phase. They wouldn't believe me. They thought that I was just being a 'rebellious teenager'. It all worked out okay. But I was really depressed. So what did I do? I threw myself into two shows at the same time.
November felt a bit better than October. I took a couple trips to visit people. I got to play video games with an old friend of mine. I also got to visit San Francisco. I figured that I needed things in my life to look forward to. I got to be a part of an amazing community show, which really made me happy. I would say that it was the first time in many, many months. I met so many great people. It was amazing to find a pocket of such nice, happy, talented people that weren't a part of the church that hurt me so much. I could start to see an end to suffering under people who didn't believe in my religious freedom.
December was my best month of the year. I quit a job that I realized was making really unhappy due to complaining so much about my boss. I also finally figured things out with my school so that I could do classes online and graduate early. I knew that I needed to get away from my parents as soon as possible. I started to see outside of the 'Utah bubble'. I started to realize that if I wanted a future in film and TV, I should go somewhere that is rich in opportunities. I did some research, and I am now planning on moving to Burbank, CA in the fall. And I am going to make it happen. I can't live with these crazy people anymore. So crazy that it took the threat of suicide to get them to actually listen to me.
It's been a year full of so many ups and downs. But I feel so much more free. I feel like life is just starting to work out for me. I'm going to pursue things that I want to do. I'm so glad that I'm still alive. I owe everything to the friend that pulled me out. I wouldn't have the hopes and dreams that I do now if it wasn't for her. My friends may be few, but they listen to me, support me, and really genuinely care about what happens to me. I don't understand why they stick with me, but it's sure nice to know that someone is there to talk me through my hard emotional times. For such a long time I felt a hole inside of me. My best friend had died, and for a long time there was no one to take that place. But back in August I found people to fill that hole. And it feels so good to be complete again.
"Oh, it's time to start living, time to take a little from this world we're given. Time to take time 'cause spring will turn to fall. In just no time at all."
"No day but today."
~M.B.~
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