{Note: }
This has been sitting as a draft, for like a month now. I think I couldn't decide how I wanted to wrap it all up at the end, and looking at it again, I'm faced with the same issue. So I'm just gonna put this out there, and sorry that it randomly ends.
My mind is so weird. And my thoughts are so distorted. So I decided to give you a glimpse into the mind of depression. And whatever other things have negatively impacted the way I think. If you are interested in psychology, which is essentially study of how humans think, you may find this somewhat interesting.
Most often I find myself in a place where I actually believe that I am not loved or cared about by anybody. I find that the people I call 'friends' are rather acquaintances. I am jealous of the friendships that I see others have. I see myself in this pit of utter despair, with the constant feeling that nobody is there for me to help me work through my emotions. I am well aware all of the time that I am chronically depressed, so there is no issue with denial. Rather I feel that there isn't anybody out there who I feel a connection to, that I would trust with all of my deepest feelings, that actually wants to listen to me and help me through my especially bad days. In a deeper context, I often find myself saying to me, "People are always talking about that one person in their life that was always there for them, but you know that you have nobody. There is nobody there to wrap their arms around you and say, 'I'm here for you, and I want to let you know you are not alone, and that I want to help you.'" I feel that nobody knows me like I know me. I know exactly how to help my depression, but I can't do anything about it, because it's not something that I have any control over. I can see myself reaching out through social media. There's this little hope that maybe someone will hear my plea, recognize it, and then I'll have the illusive medicine I'm looking for. And sometimes I get so frustrated at past friends I've had. I got close to them, trusted them with some of my feelings, and then, one day, they dropped out of all contact with me. This constant cycle of betrayals, has left me to feel that I can't reach out to someone. They have to reach out to me. Otherwise, I may be too much for them, and they will leave, causing me much hurt and anger.
When I come back and look at my feelings with a clear mind, I see that some thoughts are a bit illogical. There are people in my life who care, they just might not express it. But that bothersome thought remains. I know how to help myself, but there's actually nothing that I can do. I can attempt to throw out a hint here and there, but not much more, otherwise, I may end up with another betrayal.
An interesting oddity in my thought process, is I have discovered that some people that I don't know that well, I will naturally trust them because they remind me of a fictional character from a book or TV show from my childhood. There are quite a few people that I have trusted in the past because they reminded me of Ginny Weasley. And I'm sure there are many more that I haven't identified the character yet.
Back to the subject, it really comes down to feeling that nobody cares enough to have noticed the signs that are common in a depressed person. I have gotten to the point of openly admitting it, and treating it almost in the way I treated coming out. Taking the stance of knowing about it, and not being afraid of it, or telling others about it.
I often look up articles on dealing with depression, and I'll often find myself reading articles on how to help a friend/family member who has depression. As I read through it, it hurts me even more that no one seems to realize that I'm hitting most of the symptoms:
- doesn't seem to care about anything anymore
- has lost interest in work, hobbies, and other pleasurable activities
- talks about feeling 'helpless' or 'hopeless'
- expresses a bleak or negative outlook on life
- complains of feeling tired and drained all the time
- has withdrawn from friends, family, and other social activities
- sleeps less than usual or oversleeps
- thoughts of death
And it is more hurtful to read what someone is supposed to do to help a depressed person, knowing that a person like this is exactly what would set you on course to getting help, given that I oddly trust them of course. I know that there is no way that I could beat the weird, illogical part of my head on my own. I suppose there is some need for friendship or companionship programmed into every human being. And when that it non-existent, you start to slowly, unknowingly, drive yourself insane. I have felt true insanity before. At a point, I decided I didn't need human friends, so I threw my entire life into music. After a few months, I realized that my social skills were decreasing, and everything that defined me as a person was starting to slowly disappear. I was becoming some sort of vessel for the music. And then I realized that I was going mad. And so I stopped. But I learned that one cannot just throw themselves at one of their passionate hobbies in life, or else one will stop being a person.
~M.B.~
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