So right now I'm kinda thinking about all of the feelings I've felt in the past when I've gotten really depressed. Maybe it has something to do with listening to 21 Guns on loop and catching up on old Space Center friends on Facebook, but I'm just gonna put out what I'm thinking right now before I forget, and so I can go back and read this later and remember all those feelings.
About a year and a half ago:
Hmmm...let's see...I was a freshman which was still in the junior high...I was looking forward to teching our school play, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat...I was just starting to get into that whole 'tech' thing...my friend circle was very small, mostly just consisting of friends that were also volunteers at the Space Center. So...for some reason (I can't really remember how it started) I felt a lot like I didn't matter and that nobody cared about me. Of course I knew that my parents and my religious leaders cared, but they never showed it, and my parents were always busy with other things, so I didn't get much attention. It wasn't really about attention though, it was about finding someone who truly understood me. I'm pretty sure that lots of people thought that I was really annoying by poking them, randomly following them, or tapping them on the opposite shoulder from where I was. But I think I was really just trying to get them to acknowledge me, or recognize that I was still there silently listening to their conversation. My space center friends shared the most in common as far as interests, but there were still very often times that they would talk about stuff I knew absolutely nothing about like Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, and lots of other Gameboy or Gamecube games that I had never played. Sometimes these conversations would even last for days. It made me feel kinda like a lump of lint to just sit there and eat my lunch while they talked on and on and on about things that made no sense to me. It also didn't help that one of my friends went through a phase where he was constantly saying "Go die in a hole." to me and other people rather often. I found it quite a bit offensive because that's kinda how I felt. I compared my feelings of life to being stuck in hole about 20 ft down in the ground and I couldn't get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I would look up and see blue sky and beautiful clouds up above me, but all I could do was look at them and dream that I could be out of the hole and sitting on the grass making shapes out of the clouds. But, alas, I was stuck in a hole. It was not cool feeling this way all the time, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't really trust anyone enough to tell them about all of the feelings inside of me, and anyways, I figured they wouldn't really truly understand. I didn't think that they would understand that even though I had lots of great things in my life, nothing would fill this empty pit inside of me.
Don't worry though, I eventually found other friends that didn't talk about Zelda all the time, and slowly, life got better and I moved on.
About half a year ago:
The feelings I felt this time were kinda the same as the time before but not entirely. I mainly felt ignored. I didn't feel so much of not mattering or no one caring. I still had my friends that I had found from my previous bout, but this was the first 'official' year of high school and they were always caught up in who's the cutest guy, school dances, date ideas, etc. This is not my kind of thing at all. I'm not interested in any of those things. My space center friends would always leave to go to someone's house during lunch, and our paths didn't cross very often between classes. Nothing can really explain the abandon I felt when they left and I realized that there was no one else around to talk to for about an hour. I felt like a loner who just sat and listened to everybody's conversations, but never being able to say anything relating to it because there is nothing that I would say. That may not make complete sense, but it's like if they're talking about high school dances, I'd never been to one and didn't care about them anyways. I knew what it felt like to sit down right next to one of my friends and be completely ignored for an entire hour. I would poke her and I think once I even punched her, but she was too caught up in talking about boys to notice. This really hurt me, and whenever I would accuse her of talking about boys or dances all the time, she wouldn't believe me. I obviously got tired of being ignored every single day, so I decided to try an experiment. I started sitting about ten feet away from their group a bit further horizontally down the steps where they would always sit day after day. Sometimes I would read my scriptures and sometimes I would draw in my sketchbook. I was never noticed, except once by accident when a loud noise startled me and I looked around to see what had caused it and made eye contact with one of them. I soon started trying different places to go. I eventually settled on outside the seminary building around the back. I would read my scriptures every day as I ate my lunch. I even remember being out there when it was snowing, keeping my scriptures under my trench coat so the snow wouldn't get the pages wet, and trying to read at the same time. I think it healed my sad feelings being out there reading the word of God where nobody could hurt me further. I continued to do this throughout the school year, and slowly, I found myself being able to stand hanging around those friends who had hurt me so much, but never listened when I tried to explain why. I obviously don't trust them as much as I used to. I think I discovered from it all is that it's better for me to spend most of my free time alone drawing or reading the scriptures. I'm not super great at social situations in general, especially if there isn't a common interest/topic.
I will see what next school year brings. But I think that I've finally figured out where I belong.
Don't worry about me, though. I think I've figured this all out. ;)
~M.B.~
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Strange Goings on of tonight
I've said quite a few random things today, namely tonight. In fact more so than usual, and seen some things that are stranger than normal and I feel inclined to share. This post may not make a lot of sense to some of you, since it is mostly just random thoughts.
I think I played worked on arranging guitar parts for songs waaayyy too long today. By the end I was ticked off at the whole world and ended up screaming at inanimate objects.
This evening, ahhh....the sweet sound of motorcycles roaring out of neighbor's driveways and down the street....nothing could be more disturbing. Especially our neighbors that live right next to us on the corner. That guy sure loves tearing his motorcycle around that corner, which I can hear so well through the window in our basement.
Next, I hear a car skidding somewhere close by. Should I be worried, well, probably not as much as when I was sitting by a window at night in my grandma's apartment and a female screamed bloody murder. It was rather loud.
Now, I decide that I'm kinda hungry and Everlasting Gobstoppers and rootbeer flavored BottleCaps aren't going to cut it. I go into the kitchen and get myself some applesauce and Fresca. I marvel at how recently I've realized that my left hand is now stronger than my right hand from playing guitar.
Then I walk downstairs to place my applesauce and Fresca, and then look out the window a bit. I'm about to walk into the kitchen to look out the back window when I suddenly see something brown and leggy on the floor and suddenly exclaim, "Holy flip, that's a big spider!" It got scared and ran under the refrigerator. I then proceeded to report the spider to my dad. His door was closed, and when I opened it, I saw him clipping his nails with his shirt off wearing noise canceling head phones. It was super awkward. Now I know why he keeps his door closed sometimes.
That's all the strange things for now. I hope that spider doesn't do anything to me. I don't know what it would do, but it was big and fast, so it should just live under the fridge and never come out. Yeah, that sounds good. I don't like my applesauce and soda territory being threatened by something that can move much faster than me.
~M.B.~
I think I played worked on arranging guitar parts for songs waaayyy too long today. By the end I was ticked off at the whole world and ended up screaming at inanimate objects.
This evening, ahhh....the sweet sound of motorcycles roaring out of neighbor's driveways and down the street....nothing could be more disturbing. Especially our neighbors that live right next to us on the corner. That guy sure loves tearing his motorcycle around that corner, which I can hear so well through the window in our basement.
Next, I hear a car skidding somewhere close by. Should I be worried, well, probably not as much as when I was sitting by a window at night in my grandma's apartment and a female screamed bloody murder. It was rather loud.
Now, I decide that I'm kinda hungry and Everlasting Gobstoppers and rootbeer flavored BottleCaps aren't going to cut it. I go into the kitchen and get myself some applesauce and Fresca. I marvel at how recently I've realized that my left hand is now stronger than my right hand from playing guitar.
Then I walk downstairs to place my applesauce and Fresca, and then look out the window a bit. I'm about to walk into the kitchen to look out the back window when I suddenly see something brown and leggy on the floor and suddenly exclaim, "Holy flip, that's a big spider!" It got scared and ran under the refrigerator. I then proceeded to report the spider to my dad. His door was closed, and when I opened it, I saw him clipping his nails with his shirt off wearing noise canceling head phones. It was super awkward. Now I know why he keeps his door closed sometimes.
That's all the strange things for now. I hope that spider doesn't do anything to me. I don't know what it would do, but it was big and fast, so it should just live under the fridge and never come out. Yeah, that sounds good. I don't like my applesauce and soda territory being threatened by something that can move much faster than me.
~M.B.~
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
My awesome 404 page!
So...I decided to make a cool 404 page. Use the link below to go bask in its awesomeness. xD
http://theslytherinprefectblog.blogspot.com/2013/07/404.html
~M.B.~
http://theslytherinprefectblog.blogspot.com/2013/07/404.html
~M.B.~
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Dear, Hubcap
Dear Hubcap,
I know that you didn't want to stay on in California, so my grandma stuck you in the trunk. Here in Utah, my dad put you back on your wheel. Well, the next time I took you driving, you decided to fall off on some random road in Orem. And I left you there. I will not pamper you like my grandma did. It was your choice to fall off my car, so you will live on that random road. And probably get run over by a new driver like me. Or a semi driver that shows no mercy. I don't know where you are now, you could be in a dumpster all alone, or in some crazy old butler's 'Hubcaps of the World' collection. But you will always have a special place in my heart. I'll never let another hubcap fill your space.
Love,
Me
~M.B.~
I know that you didn't want to stay on in California, so my grandma stuck you in the trunk. Here in Utah, my dad put you back on your wheel. Well, the next time I took you driving, you decided to fall off on some random road in Orem. And I left you there. I will not pamper you like my grandma did. It was your choice to fall off my car, so you will live on that random road. And probably get run over by a new driver like me. Or a semi driver that shows no mercy. I don't know where you are now, you could be in a dumpster all alone, or in some crazy old butler's 'Hubcaps of the World' collection. But you will always have a special place in my heart. I'll never let another hubcap fill your space.
Love,
Me
~M.B.~
The constant pains of my life
I've gotten over my depression and sadness mostly lately. Now I am suffering through the physical pains brought on by the major trauma my body went through. I get intestinal pains 24/7. The pain isn't super bad, but it sure does wear down on you after a week and a half. I went to the doctor, and really the only thing I can do is get on a regular eating, sleeping and exercise schedule and wait it out. I have watched soooo much Netflix lately, it's started to become boring. I guess you could say that I'm bored of summer...already. I haven't seen much of my friends because...let's see...one of them lifeguards at the pool, one of them is in Colorado, one of them is doing I-don't-know-what at I-don't-know-where, a bunch of them are interning at the Discovery Space Center like all the time....Which reminds me...My soul has been reclaimed by the Discovery Space Center. I decided to go back and intern there for a few reasons:
1) I can't technically "volunteer" because my grades aren't good enough and will probably never be
2) My mom says I need to do something else with my summer besides watch The Office and Disney shows all day
3) I do kinda miss shooting children and doing the randomest of things inside a room modeled to look like a space ship
So...yeah...that's why I'm back there. Also, I'm really confused about what's going on at the original Space Center at Central Elementary. They opened for the summer for camps, they just can't have the kids spend the night. I've tried emailing the new director, but I haven't heard back from her in like a month...so...who knows? The previous director, Mr. Williamson, has moved on to another project at Renaissance Academy in Lehi, but he's still put himself in charge of all of the volunteer programs at Discovery and Central. I personally think that he needs to let go because it should be the responsibility of each space center to separately maintain their own volunteer programs and adjust them to their needs, but my opinion probably won't change anything.
On another note, something I've been fond of lately is going on scooter rides. And yes, I mean a push scooter. I do feel kind of like a young elementary school kid again whenever I ride it places. It's quite useful for getting exercise when I have a place I need to go that's either in my city, or in neighboring ones. My grandparents are moving soon though, so they have 2 old bikes in their basement and I will claim one of them for myself so I can go longer distances. I'm planning on maybe going up to the BYU Museum of Art with it, and maybe just wandering around all the cool buildings on campus. I will finally be able to go and appreciate art in a museum without my little brother around to disturb the peace.
Well, I think I might go on a scooter ride soon. I just have to decide, should I go to the cemetery, or to the temple?
~M.B.~
1) I can't technically "volunteer" because my grades aren't good enough and will probably never be
2) My mom says I need to do something else with my summer besides watch The Office and Disney shows all day
3) I do kinda miss shooting children and doing the randomest of things inside a room modeled to look like a space ship
So...yeah...that's why I'm back there. Also, I'm really confused about what's going on at the original Space Center at Central Elementary. They opened for the summer for camps, they just can't have the kids spend the night. I've tried emailing the new director, but I haven't heard back from her in like a month...so...who knows? The previous director, Mr. Williamson, has moved on to another project at Renaissance Academy in Lehi, but he's still put himself in charge of all of the volunteer programs at Discovery and Central. I personally think that he needs to let go because it should be the responsibility of each space center to separately maintain their own volunteer programs and adjust them to their needs, but my opinion probably won't change anything.
On another note, something I've been fond of lately is going on scooter rides. And yes, I mean a push scooter. I do feel kind of like a young elementary school kid again whenever I ride it places. It's quite useful for getting exercise when I have a place I need to go that's either in my city, or in neighboring ones. My grandparents are moving soon though, so they have 2 old bikes in their basement and I will claim one of them for myself so I can go longer distances. I'm planning on maybe going up to the BYU Museum of Art with it, and maybe just wandering around all the cool buildings on campus. I will finally be able to go and appreciate art in a museum without my little brother around to disturb the peace.
Well, I think I might go on a scooter ride soon. I just have to decide, should I go to the cemetery, or to the temple?
~M.B.~
Thursday, June 13, 2013
I'm gonna kinda rant a bit right now
Well, about 3 and a half weeks ago, my dear and best friend Logan committed suicide.. I'm not going to go into much detail about it here, cuz I only trust certain people with all the personal feelings and emotions that have been going on in my head lately. I am going to rant about something though: people that try to understand or comfort people in situations they know absolutely nothing about.
Now these people usually tend to act on a know-it-all way, which really makes me want to just slap them in the face. I haven't been to Young Women's in my ward since this all happened because all of the leaders and the girls act in just this way. There are kind of two halves to this that I've been seeing. 1) They all think that because my best friend committed suicide I'm at super high risk of it
2) They think that I can just suddenly be happy again
Now with 1) it really bugs me a lot. They keep trying to tell me I'm a child of God and I should never forget my worth. Well, great, but I already know that. I've kinda been LDS my whole life, and I've had what you just said ground into my head for the past 16 years. And I must point out that the 3 suicides that have occurred in PG over the past school year have had no relation to each other, in other words, none of them knew each other personally. I really hate when people get themselves all psyched out that I'm going to kill myself or something and so they try to preach to me 24/7 and drown me in quotes about life, and keep sharp/dangerous objects away from me. Like seriously people, could you get any less logical? I'm not going to sporadically stab myself while I'm cutting a watermelon or anything.
Now, 2). The cliche thing for LDS people to say after someone is affected by a death seems to be, "Don't worry, you'll see them again. Just be happy." Now I realize that that is just about the worst thing to say to someone that is dealing with this. My best friend, one of the joys of my life who made laugh in hard times is now gone, and you expect me to just suddenly be happy. Yeah, it doesn't work like that. I've discovered it will take a while for me to be happy after this. Yeah, there are times when I want to not be so sad all the time and not cry so much, but I can't just suddenly be happy. At times it feels impossible to be happy. And a lot of things that used to make me happy don't make me happy anymore. I guess some people haven't had traumatic events that have happened in their life that has put their happiness in question. And not just little things like not getting a perfect grade in a class, big things that send you into depression.
Now I really don't know if anyone reading this cares about my annoyances and musings, but I hope that you will remember to show more courtesy to people dealing with a death close to them, especially suicides. You never know what's going inside their head, and if they want to talk to you about it, then humbly give them suggestions and comfort, but if they don't talk to you about it, then don't probe them further. It will only make them hate you. Which has unfortunately occurred in my case, and I really don't like my Young Women leaders or the girls. I kind of want them to just cease to exist in my world.
Well, I think that's all I have to rant about right now.
~M.B.~
Now these people usually tend to act on a know-it-all way, which really makes me want to just slap them in the face. I haven't been to Young Women's in my ward since this all happened because all of the leaders and the girls act in just this way. There are kind of two halves to this that I've been seeing. 1) They all think that because my best friend committed suicide I'm at super high risk of it
2) They think that I can just suddenly be happy again
Now with 1) it really bugs me a lot. They keep trying to tell me I'm a child of God and I should never forget my worth. Well, great, but I already know that. I've kinda been LDS my whole life, and I've had what you just said ground into my head for the past 16 years. And I must point out that the 3 suicides that have occurred in PG over the past school year have had no relation to each other, in other words, none of them knew each other personally. I really hate when people get themselves all psyched out that I'm going to kill myself or something and so they try to preach to me 24/7 and drown me in quotes about life, and keep sharp/dangerous objects away from me. Like seriously people, could you get any less logical? I'm not going to sporadically stab myself while I'm cutting a watermelon or anything.
Now, 2). The cliche thing for LDS people to say after someone is affected by a death seems to be, "Don't worry, you'll see them again. Just be happy." Now I realize that that is just about the worst thing to say to someone that is dealing with this. My best friend, one of the joys of my life who made laugh in hard times is now gone, and you expect me to just suddenly be happy. Yeah, it doesn't work like that. I've discovered it will take a while for me to be happy after this. Yeah, there are times when I want to not be so sad all the time and not cry so much, but I can't just suddenly be happy. At times it feels impossible to be happy. And a lot of things that used to make me happy don't make me happy anymore. I guess some people haven't had traumatic events that have happened in their life that has put their happiness in question. And not just little things like not getting a perfect grade in a class, big things that send you into depression.
Now I really don't know if anyone reading this cares about my annoyances and musings, but I hope that you will remember to show more courtesy to people dealing with a death close to them, especially suicides. You never know what's going inside their head, and if they want to talk to you about it, then humbly give them suggestions and comfort, but if they don't talk to you about it, then don't probe them further. It will only make them hate you. Which has unfortunately occurred in my case, and I really don't like my Young Women leaders or the girls. I kind of want them to just cease to exist in my world.
Well, I think that's all I have to rant about right now.
~M.B.~
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Today appears to be Christmas...
Well...today appears to be Christmas already...that's special....It seems to have come really quickly and suddenly....probably because I was more concerned about the Ward Choir Christmas program, and then immediately after had to draw the Newport Beach Temple for a friend for Christmas, which gave me like a 24 hour deadline. I'm proud of myself for drawing it though, cuz it looks pretty dang amazing.
I also have recently created an art blog of....well...my artwork....
theworldwithoutartisjustmeh.blogspot.com
That's the link up there ^ ....as if you couldn't have already figured that out yourself...
So....you're probably curious about what I got for Christmas, so here's the list:
- 2 Star Wars shirts
- A super nice guitar
- Lego Lord of the Rings Videogame
- Lots of music and iTunes cards to buy more music with
Yeah...that's it....my need for more stuff has decreased dramatically this year...I'm kinda happy with what I've got right now.
~M.B.~
I also have recently created an art blog of....well...my artwork....
theworldwithoutartisjustmeh.blogspot.com
That's the link up there ^ ....as if you couldn't have already figured that out yourself...
So....you're probably curious about what I got for Christmas, so here's the list:
- 2 Star Wars shirts
- A super nice guitar
- Lego Lord of the Rings Videogame
- Lots of music and iTunes cards to buy more music with
Yeah...that's it....my need for more stuff has decreased dramatically this year...I'm kinda happy with what I've got right now.
~M.B.~
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