It has always been one of my fears ever since I was a little kid that in the next life we won't be able to find our friends or fantastic people that influenced our lives. I would always imagine it as a huge crowd of people, and that I would end up running around all of heaven for eternity searching for certain people. Right now, though, I really feel strongly that God sends people into our lives to help us and be our friends for a reason. He would never send those people to us now, but not allow us to be with them in the next life. Out of all the people He could choose from in the world, He chose one to come and help me, right now, at this point in my life. And, with God's help, I know I'll always be able to find her. I just really feel strongly about this in particular right now.
~M.B.~
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I've Changed
I realize I kind of left you hanging...for a long time. My Harry Potter Club is working out just fine, and we have weekly meetings.
It's interesting how much I realize I've changed over the past few months. I'm not so much of an introvert anymore. I actually enjoy being around people, and I need it. I used to love being left alone to my thoughts, but not so much anymore. I'm also not so 'no-touchy'. I'm more outgoing, and more confident. If there's something I don't like, then I'm not afraid to change it, where as before, I just went with it. I feel...much more different than I was. But yet, in a way, I'm still the same. I'm not so sure if that makes sense.
On another completely different note, I've started volunteering at the Space Center at Central Elementary again. I couldn't volunteer for a while because of my bad grades, but I'm back now. Here's hoping I can get a job!
~M.B.~
It's interesting how much I realize I've changed over the past few months. I'm not so much of an introvert anymore. I actually enjoy being around people, and I need it. I used to love being left alone to my thoughts, but not so much anymore. I'm also not so 'no-touchy'. I'm more outgoing, and more confident. If there's something I don't like, then I'm not afraid to change it, where as before, I just went with it. I feel...much more different than I was. But yet, in a way, I'm still the same. I'm not so sure if that makes sense.
On another completely different note, I've started volunteering at the Space Center at Central Elementary again. I couldn't volunteer for a while because of my bad grades, but I'm back now. Here's hoping I can get a job!
~M.B.~
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Wow...I'm stressed already...
So what is it? Only the second week of school. And I've already almost hit the point of explosion as far as my stress. Surprisingly, my grades are not causing the stress. I think I will make a list of things making me very stressed right now because my brain thinks like Spock.
1. Getting the Harry Potter club together. I am still trying to find a teacher to be an advisor for the club, but all the teachers I've tried so far either already have a club, or show no interest.
2. My seminary teacher. I got assigned to one of the seminary teachers that is new to the school this year. Everything I outright hate in a person, seems to be in this guy. So, I absolutely cannot stand his class and, for the first time, am actually highly considering sluffing his class. (And I've been in some pretty bad classes before.) (Also, for future reference, the space bar does not have the same function as the shift button on a keyboard. I just barely had some difficulties with that.)
3. The constant battle of depression. I have to always have some task that is up next in my schedule, or else I end up getting bored with nothing to do and getting really sad. It's hard to always have something to do day after day.
4. My internship. I intern at the Discovery Space Center, but I haven't been in to actually intern instead of attending a meeting in a while, and I'm kind of afraid that they'll kick me. I've had a lot going on lately, with being sick, and then school starting and now all the following issues above.
5. Being alone most of the time. I've figured out that I get depressed in social situations, so I end up spending a lot of time alone to fend it off, which means I don't get to see my friends very often at all.
That felt good to get that all out. If you're not interested in my issues in life, at that least remember that the space bar and shift keys have very different functions, but can sometimes confuse you when you're trying to put in a parentheses, but you keep getting a 0.
~M.B.~
1. Getting the Harry Potter club together. I am still trying to find a teacher to be an advisor for the club, but all the teachers I've tried so far either already have a club, or show no interest.
2. My seminary teacher. I got assigned to one of the seminary teachers that is new to the school this year. Everything I outright hate in a person, seems to be in this guy. So, I absolutely cannot stand his class and, for the first time, am actually highly considering sluffing his class. (And I've been in some pretty bad classes before.) (Also, for future reference, the space bar does not have the same function as the shift button on a keyboard. I just barely had some difficulties with that.)
3. The constant battle of depression. I have to always have some task that is up next in my schedule, or else I end up getting bored with nothing to do and getting really sad. It's hard to always have something to do day after day.
4. My internship. I intern at the Discovery Space Center, but I haven't been in to actually intern instead of attending a meeting in a while, and I'm kind of afraid that they'll kick me. I've had a lot going on lately, with being sick, and then school starting and now all the following issues above.
5. Being alone most of the time. I've figured out that I get depressed in social situations, so I end up spending a lot of time alone to fend it off, which means I don't get to see my friends very often at all.
That felt good to get that all out. If you're not interested in my issues in life, at that least remember that the space bar and shift keys have very different functions, but can sometimes confuse you when you're trying to put in a parentheses, but you keep getting a 0.
~M.B.~
Thursday, August 15, 2013
The things people believe these days...
Well, I'm still writing my script. But I kinda got sidetracked through some ad on Facebook I saw for these pyramids that are supposed to cleanse you of negative energy. I really get a good laugh out of reading peoples' testimonials about weird items like that. I kinda ended up looking into them a bit further, and it made me really think about the false Gods that we run into. Most people just think of it as other churches, but you do see it quite a bit in companies. This specific company I was just looking at sold these glass pyramids filled with a bunch of different crystals and flecks of metal. There were descriptions of what these different things were supposed to do for you. People were supposed to meditate and worship these pyramids and it would give them less negative energy and cause something affect them based on the pyramid such as be wealthier, meet the love of their life, etc. You get the point. I looked a bit further into the guy that was the head of the company. To summarize, he basically claimed that he was chosen by God to create these pyramids and sell them to the general public, and that God would bless them with positive energy and vibrations if they meditated and worshiped the pyramid. It's not such an obvious false God as another church, but when you really think about it, it is. I know that I worded it to make it more obvious, but when you're just exploring their website (http://www.nuntech.com/), it's not something you really think about. I'm one that tends to keep an eye out for companies that are highly successful, but their products are not scientifically proven to work, in other words, pretty much a scam. Don't even get me started on doTerra. I really want to do a scientific study that proves their products don't work. Now I'm getting off topic. Back to false Gods, it's really sad to read the testimonials section on their website, with all these people that have tricked their brains into thinking that these pyramids actually work. It's just another good example of Placebo Effect. Anyways...I should probably get back to writing my script now.
~M.B.~
~M.B.~
Stranded
Right now, I am currently stranded downstairs at the computer writing a 20-page film script that is due tomorrow. I really shouldn't procrastinate so much. I just opened the window though, so it feels nicer breathing fresh air. While listening to the soundtrack to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I've already gone through Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Prince of Persia, and Nancy Drew. Well, I should probably get back to writing about a girl who the world can't see or hear, but she doesn't realize it.
~M.B.~
~M.B.~
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Thinking back on things...
So right now I'm kinda thinking about all of the feelings I've felt in the past when I've gotten really depressed. Maybe it has something to do with listening to 21 Guns on loop and catching up on old Space Center friends on Facebook, but I'm just gonna put out what I'm thinking right now before I forget, and so I can go back and read this later and remember all those feelings.
About a year and a half ago:
Hmmm...let's see...I was a freshman which was still in the junior high...I was looking forward to teching our school play, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat...I was just starting to get into that whole 'tech' thing...my friend circle was very small, mostly just consisting of friends that were also volunteers at the Space Center. So...for some reason (I can't really remember how it started) I felt a lot like I didn't matter and that nobody cared about me. Of course I knew that my parents and my religious leaders cared, but they never showed it, and my parents were always busy with other things, so I didn't get much attention. It wasn't really about attention though, it was about finding someone who truly understood me. I'm pretty sure that lots of people thought that I was really annoying by poking them, randomly following them, or tapping them on the opposite shoulder from where I was. But I think I was really just trying to get them to acknowledge me, or recognize that I was still there silently listening to their conversation. My space center friends shared the most in common as far as interests, but there were still very often times that they would talk about stuff I knew absolutely nothing about like Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, and lots of other Gameboy or Gamecube games that I had never played. Sometimes these conversations would even last for days. It made me feel kinda like a lump of lint to just sit there and eat my lunch while they talked on and on and on about things that made no sense to me. It also didn't help that one of my friends went through a phase where he was constantly saying "Go die in a hole." to me and other people rather often. I found it quite a bit offensive because that's kinda how I felt. I compared my feelings of life to being stuck in hole about 20 ft down in the ground and I couldn't get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I would look up and see blue sky and beautiful clouds up above me, but all I could do was look at them and dream that I could be out of the hole and sitting on the grass making shapes out of the clouds. But, alas, I was stuck in a hole. It was not cool feeling this way all the time, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't really trust anyone enough to tell them about all of the feelings inside of me, and anyways, I figured they wouldn't really truly understand. I didn't think that they would understand that even though I had lots of great things in my life, nothing would fill this empty pit inside of me.
Don't worry though, I eventually found other friends that didn't talk about Zelda all the time, and slowly, life got better and I moved on.
About half a year ago:
The feelings I felt this time were kinda the same as the time before but not entirely. I mainly felt ignored. I didn't feel so much of not mattering or no one caring. I still had my friends that I had found from my previous bout, but this was the first 'official' year of high school and they were always caught up in who's the cutest guy, school dances, date ideas, etc. This is not my kind of thing at all. I'm not interested in any of those things. My space center friends would always leave to go to someone's house during lunch, and our paths didn't cross very often between classes. Nothing can really explain the abandon I felt when they left and I realized that there was no one else around to talk to for about an hour. I felt like a loner who just sat and listened to everybody's conversations, but never being able to say anything relating to it because there is nothing that I would say. That may not make complete sense, but it's like if they're talking about high school dances, I'd never been to one and didn't care about them anyways. I knew what it felt like to sit down right next to one of my friends and be completely ignored for an entire hour. I would poke her and I think once I even punched her, but she was too caught up in talking about boys to notice. This really hurt me, and whenever I would accuse her of talking about boys or dances all the time, she wouldn't believe me. I obviously got tired of being ignored every single day, so I decided to try an experiment. I started sitting about ten feet away from their group a bit further horizontally down the steps where they would always sit day after day. Sometimes I would read my scriptures and sometimes I would draw in my sketchbook. I was never noticed, except once by accident when a loud noise startled me and I looked around to see what had caused it and made eye contact with one of them. I soon started trying different places to go. I eventually settled on outside the seminary building around the back. I would read my scriptures every day as I ate my lunch. I even remember being out there when it was snowing, keeping my scriptures under my trench coat so the snow wouldn't get the pages wet, and trying to read at the same time. I think it healed my sad feelings being out there reading the word of God where nobody could hurt me further. I continued to do this throughout the school year, and slowly, I found myself being able to stand hanging around those friends who had hurt me so much, but never listened when I tried to explain why. I obviously don't trust them as much as I used to. I think I discovered from it all is that it's better for me to spend most of my free time alone drawing or reading the scriptures. I'm not super great at social situations in general, especially if there isn't a common interest/topic.
I will see what next school year brings. But I think that I've finally figured out where I belong.
Don't worry about me, though. I think I've figured this all out. ;)
~M.B.~
About a year and a half ago:
Hmmm...let's see...I was a freshman which was still in the junior high...I was looking forward to teching our school play, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat...I was just starting to get into that whole 'tech' thing...my friend circle was very small, mostly just consisting of friends that were also volunteers at the Space Center. So...for some reason (I can't really remember how it started) I felt a lot like I didn't matter and that nobody cared about me. Of course I knew that my parents and my religious leaders cared, but they never showed it, and my parents were always busy with other things, so I didn't get much attention. It wasn't really about attention though, it was about finding someone who truly understood me. I'm pretty sure that lots of people thought that I was really annoying by poking them, randomly following them, or tapping them on the opposite shoulder from where I was. But I think I was really just trying to get them to acknowledge me, or recognize that I was still there silently listening to their conversation. My space center friends shared the most in common as far as interests, but there were still very often times that they would talk about stuff I knew absolutely nothing about like Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, and lots of other Gameboy or Gamecube games that I had never played. Sometimes these conversations would even last for days. It made me feel kinda like a lump of lint to just sit there and eat my lunch while they talked on and on and on about things that made no sense to me. It also didn't help that one of my friends went through a phase where he was constantly saying "Go die in a hole." to me and other people rather often. I found it quite a bit offensive because that's kinda how I felt. I compared my feelings of life to being stuck in hole about 20 ft down in the ground and I couldn't get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I would look up and see blue sky and beautiful clouds up above me, but all I could do was look at them and dream that I could be out of the hole and sitting on the grass making shapes out of the clouds. But, alas, I was stuck in a hole. It was not cool feeling this way all the time, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't really trust anyone enough to tell them about all of the feelings inside of me, and anyways, I figured they wouldn't really truly understand. I didn't think that they would understand that even though I had lots of great things in my life, nothing would fill this empty pit inside of me.
Don't worry though, I eventually found other friends that didn't talk about Zelda all the time, and slowly, life got better and I moved on.
About half a year ago:
The feelings I felt this time were kinda the same as the time before but not entirely. I mainly felt ignored. I didn't feel so much of not mattering or no one caring. I still had my friends that I had found from my previous bout, but this was the first 'official' year of high school and they were always caught up in who's the cutest guy, school dances, date ideas, etc. This is not my kind of thing at all. I'm not interested in any of those things. My space center friends would always leave to go to someone's house during lunch, and our paths didn't cross very often between classes. Nothing can really explain the abandon I felt when they left and I realized that there was no one else around to talk to for about an hour. I felt like a loner who just sat and listened to everybody's conversations, but never being able to say anything relating to it because there is nothing that I would say. That may not make complete sense, but it's like if they're talking about high school dances, I'd never been to one and didn't care about them anyways. I knew what it felt like to sit down right next to one of my friends and be completely ignored for an entire hour. I would poke her and I think once I even punched her, but she was too caught up in talking about boys to notice. This really hurt me, and whenever I would accuse her of talking about boys or dances all the time, she wouldn't believe me. I obviously got tired of being ignored every single day, so I decided to try an experiment. I started sitting about ten feet away from their group a bit further horizontally down the steps where they would always sit day after day. Sometimes I would read my scriptures and sometimes I would draw in my sketchbook. I was never noticed, except once by accident when a loud noise startled me and I looked around to see what had caused it and made eye contact with one of them. I soon started trying different places to go. I eventually settled on outside the seminary building around the back. I would read my scriptures every day as I ate my lunch. I even remember being out there when it was snowing, keeping my scriptures under my trench coat so the snow wouldn't get the pages wet, and trying to read at the same time. I think it healed my sad feelings being out there reading the word of God where nobody could hurt me further. I continued to do this throughout the school year, and slowly, I found myself being able to stand hanging around those friends who had hurt me so much, but never listened when I tried to explain why. I obviously don't trust them as much as I used to. I think I discovered from it all is that it's better for me to spend most of my free time alone drawing or reading the scriptures. I'm not super great at social situations in general, especially if there isn't a common interest/topic.
I will see what next school year brings. But I think that I've finally figured out where I belong.
Don't worry about me, though. I think I've figured this all out. ;)
~M.B.~
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Strange Goings on of tonight
I've said quite a few random things today, namely tonight. In fact more so than usual, and seen some things that are stranger than normal and I feel inclined to share. This post may not make a lot of sense to some of you, since it is mostly just random thoughts.
I think I played worked on arranging guitar parts for songs waaayyy too long today. By the end I was ticked off at the whole world and ended up screaming at inanimate objects.
This evening, ahhh....the sweet sound of motorcycles roaring out of neighbor's driveways and down the street....nothing could be more disturbing. Especially our neighbors that live right next to us on the corner. That guy sure loves tearing his motorcycle around that corner, which I can hear so well through the window in our basement.
Next, I hear a car skidding somewhere close by. Should I be worried, well, probably not as much as when I was sitting by a window at night in my grandma's apartment and a female screamed bloody murder. It was rather loud.
Now, I decide that I'm kinda hungry and Everlasting Gobstoppers and rootbeer flavored BottleCaps aren't going to cut it. I go into the kitchen and get myself some applesauce and Fresca. I marvel at how recently I've realized that my left hand is now stronger than my right hand from playing guitar.
Then I walk downstairs to place my applesauce and Fresca, and then look out the window a bit. I'm about to walk into the kitchen to look out the back window when I suddenly see something brown and leggy on the floor and suddenly exclaim, "Holy flip, that's a big spider!" It got scared and ran under the refrigerator. I then proceeded to report the spider to my dad. His door was closed, and when I opened it, I saw him clipping his nails with his shirt off wearing noise canceling head phones. It was super awkward. Now I know why he keeps his door closed sometimes.
That's all the strange things for now. I hope that spider doesn't do anything to me. I don't know what it would do, but it was big and fast, so it should just live under the fridge and never come out. Yeah, that sounds good. I don't like my applesauce and soda territory being threatened by something that can move much faster than me.
~M.B.~
I think I played worked on arranging guitar parts for songs waaayyy too long today. By the end I was ticked off at the whole world and ended up screaming at inanimate objects.
This evening, ahhh....the sweet sound of motorcycles roaring out of neighbor's driveways and down the street....nothing could be more disturbing. Especially our neighbors that live right next to us on the corner. That guy sure loves tearing his motorcycle around that corner, which I can hear so well through the window in our basement.
Next, I hear a car skidding somewhere close by. Should I be worried, well, probably not as much as when I was sitting by a window at night in my grandma's apartment and a female screamed bloody murder. It was rather loud.
Now, I decide that I'm kinda hungry and Everlasting Gobstoppers and rootbeer flavored BottleCaps aren't going to cut it. I go into the kitchen and get myself some applesauce and Fresca. I marvel at how recently I've realized that my left hand is now stronger than my right hand from playing guitar.
Then I walk downstairs to place my applesauce and Fresca, and then look out the window a bit. I'm about to walk into the kitchen to look out the back window when I suddenly see something brown and leggy on the floor and suddenly exclaim, "Holy flip, that's a big spider!" It got scared and ran under the refrigerator. I then proceeded to report the spider to my dad. His door was closed, and when I opened it, I saw him clipping his nails with his shirt off wearing noise canceling head phones. It was super awkward. Now I know why he keeps his door closed sometimes.
That's all the strange things for now. I hope that spider doesn't do anything to me. I don't know what it would do, but it was big and fast, so it should just live under the fridge and never come out. Yeah, that sounds good. I don't like my applesauce and soda territory being threatened by something that can move much faster than me.
~M.B.~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)