Why Can't People Just Love People??

Sometimes people are stupid.  Especially my family.  I say stupid, because I don't have a better word to describe them. 

I'm in a tense state right now.  I know that I'm on the verge of all of life blowing up in my face.  I'm sure many of my friends won't want to talk to me anymore.  And there will be an ultimate falling out from the rest of my family.  I'll probably get kicked out live on the street.  I won't exist to them.  They'll stop talking to me.  They'll stop paying for my insurance.

 And why?

 Just because I'm finally drawing the line to leave their church forever. 

I sent in my resignation letter the day I turned 18.  A month later, I've finally gotten a response.  And I'm going to have to be mean about it.  I don't want to have any 'friendly chats' with church authorities. 

I just want to leave.  But this church wants to make sure that it is hard to leave.  That anyone who tries to leave gets hurt and shunned by the true believers.  And especially their family.  But they don't scare me. 

Why does my family have to be so stupid?? 

It's like every thing and every person has to hold up to what their religion says before they can love them. 

I don't hold up anymore.

So it's goodbye love for me.  Hello hate. Hello to stay away from your brother.  Hello to 'my liberal views might taint those younger than me'.  Hello to stay away from my children.  Hello to you're not part of the club.  Hello to 'you're no child of mine'.

People say their family means the world to them.  That they are their biggest support.  But mine's never been that way.  They only support me if I hold to the religious standardized test.  If I don't, I'm the stupid one. 

Love is the universal language.  If you don't believe in God, or anything religious, then you at least hold to the belief of loving people. 

People should stop letting religion stand in the way of love.

God does not always equal love. 

God can equal judgement.  God can equal 'I'm better than you'.  God can equal war.  And arguments.  And hating on people who aren't believers.

 Religion is often not a path to love.  Religion puts rules down on how people are supposed to love.  But love is meant to be free.

Religion tries to tell people that they know the way to live life with less thorns in the road.  To be the moral compass.  But they are the thorn in the road.  And the moral compass wasn't even assembled correctly.

Why can't people just love people??

~M.B.~

The Philosophy of Life & Religion (Rant-Free Version)

I realize I have met so many people in my life who are religiously narrow-minded.  And many of those people have called me the same.  I just let it roll off of me.  After all, it's stupid to argue about religion with someone who's not related to you, isn't it?  I've been searching for so long, and I feel that I will continue searching into what religion really is.  Maybe I think too much.  Maybe I spend too many late nights looking at pictures of friends, and wondering what they would say if they were with me.  So many late nights silently talking to a computer screen, pouring out all my deepest emotional views and philosophies.  And I realize that what I write now may change later.  But what I write now will always remain a conversational piece for my late night me-talks.  And maybe someday I'll find the best philosophy for me.  Or maybe I'll just float around and take whatever fits me for the here and now.  Either way, my only wish is to put my mind at ease, and allow my soul to find the peace that it requires.

I have said to myself in many a conversation, religion + me = :( .  And that statement holds true.  There is just something about the aspect of religion that has never agreed with me.  I've searched high and low, trying to pinpoint exactly what it is, and I've come up empty.  I suppose some people's personalities just aren't meant for it's demands.  I guess I haven't come up completely empty handed.  I have found a few things about me that may contribute to why I hate it so much.

1) DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. 
          I hate it when people tell me what to do.  I just want to figure it out on my own.  Yes, I'm young.  And yes, I make really dumb mistakes.  But at least they're my dumb mistakes.  I can own up to them, and, frankly, they build character.

2) WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT? 
         Nothing does.  I am my own boss, and I only do what you say if I think it's something I want to do too. 

3) IF YOU'RE GONNA CALL ME NARROW-MINDED, AT LEAST MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO'S NARROW-MINDED FIRST.
         As I said above, most people who call me narrow-minded, are also extremely narrow-minded themselves.  I'm just trying to reduce hypocrisy in the world.  Like that line from the Bible people are always quoting, something like, "Let he without sin be the first to cast the stone.", or something like that.

When you join a religion, you essentially give a group of crazy people the authority to tell you what to do without question, which conflicts with numbers one and two.  And most of the insane people who follow the crazy people conflict with number three.  So no matter what group of crazy people I join, I'm never gonna get my three reasons the way I want them.  People will be people, and people are insane. 

Lately, I've been taking some time to myself to discover what I want my life philosophy to be.  Anyways, I got a bit insane myself, and almost considered rejoining a religion I left.  And then I had to reconsider myself, and my life full of options and possibilities, many that would not be available to me if I joined a 'group of crazy people'. (See how I put that in quotes?  I don't mean to actually call them crazy, it's just my funny way of saying religion as of now.)  I don't want to be listening to a playlist full of great music, and then just stop on one song, and keep it on loop forever.  I know that there's more fantastic music to come, and yes, it's on shuffle, so I don't know what's going to play next, but I need to put my courage to the sticking place and find that desire within me to enjoy it while it lasts, but know that I need to move on.  It's what's good for me.  And yes, I did just come up with that metaphor on the spot, while listening to one of the best playlists of soundtrack music ever.  I just can't leave 'Suite from The Polar Express' on loop forever now, can I?


MY LIFE PHILOSOPHY AS OF NOW:

Does God exist? I don't know.  Was there a life before this and will there be one after?  I don't know.  Does my life have some sort of higher purpose?  I don't know.  And I'm at peace with the phrase 'I don't know.'  Because, really, deep down, nobody knows.  People create religions to try and feel safe and secure in their skin.  But really, nobody knows.  Every single human on the face of this planet was born as a human.  No one was given any sort of special knowledge or advantages beforehand.  We're all equals, and we were all born as equals in not knowing.  There is one thing I do know, though.  Be a good person.  Just be a good person!  Don't do stuff to hurt other humans, physically or emotionally.  Do great things for people.  Help them succeed.  Don't try and keep it all to yourself.  Try every day to make the human race a bit better.  We're all equals, so it's about time we admitted it, ate our humble pie, and started showing what we can do to make all our lives a bit better.  Religion and personal beliefs can oftentimes keep people from eating their humble pie.  Religion tries to answer all of life's questions, and tell its members that they're the only ones with the answers; that they're the ones with the special knowledge and advantages.  But every religion says that.  So they can't all be right.  To me, none are.  I strive in my life to show people how to admit, how to eat their humble pie.  To show people who may be very religious what it means to just be a good person.   To show people what my life really is all about.  To bring about the betterment of the human race, person at a time.  We all want to make some sort of impact during our years on this planet, and I've found my way, I just sincerely hope that everyone can look inside of themselves and find theirs.

~M.B.~

It Takes Guts

I might have screwed up.  I might have made a lot of mistakes.  I might be using the word might a lot, because I'm afraid to admit that I'm not the great person I thought I was.  But at least I can feel confident in admitting the fact.  It takes guts to admit mistakes.  It takes more guts to admit it to another, and drop yourself at their feet.  Yes, I'm weak right now.  But take that weakness and turn it into more art.  Create to fill the gaps.  And maybe someone will find joy in your creations.  And write lots of poetry.  And weird, short story metaphors.  And then hope someone will read them and maybe like the idea or feeling of them.  And then set them to music.  And then be a closet super-star.  And be awesome.

Here's some stuff, you can read them, or just stop at closet super-star.  ;)


THE GREAT PRETENDER:

Welcome.
Come in.
Inhale your surroundings.
The master of abstract.
I am everything and nothing.
I exist to mimic all of life.
You may know me as the Pretender.
I am the great Immortal

You will never find me.
You will never beat me.
You will never kill me.
Immortal, is I.
And immortal I will stay.

There is an immortal for you.
But you must give away everything.

Immortal is not wanted.
Immortal is my life.

And my life is not wanted.


I AM THE VILLAIN OF THIS STORY:

Come, take a look, and see me for who I truly am.  I am the one who hides inside a shell of all things good.  I am the person I never admit to being.  I am the truest truth of my soul.  I am the villain of this story.  It takes much to admit villainy.  You see, the world teaches us to look for the good in people, but for once I ask you to judge me by all the bad I've done.  My evil is spread far and wide.  Once I let it loose, there is no going back.  I burned all my bridges, hell, I burned everything through and through to the ashes.  I spend my spare time using what's left of my emotions to burn all the good away from me.  The only winner there will ever be is me.  Every failure or setback just becomes another cog in the clock of my master plan.  The only defeat of me, is if I surrender.  Now I ask of you, open your eyes, look for me around you, for I am not in just one, I am in every one.  I ask of you, take one moment to look at the world around you, but this time, search for the villains.  They are there.  The villains lead to the true destiny of each human soul.  One can do much good, but if the villain inside of them is strong, they fade away.  I am the villain of THIS story, but I don't have to be of yours.

~M.B.~

Take a Glimpse in My Mind

 {Note: }
This has been sitting as a draft, for like a month now.  I think I couldn't decide how I wanted to wrap it all up at the end, and looking at it again, I'm faced with the same issue.  So I'm just gonna put this out there, and sorry that it randomly ends.

My mind is so weird.  And my thoughts are so distorted.  So I decided to give you a glimpse into the mind of depression.  And whatever other things have negatively impacted the way I think.  If you are interested in psychology, which is essentially study of how humans think, you may find this somewhat interesting.



Most often I find myself in a place where I actually believe that I am not loved or cared about by anybody.  I find that the people I call 'friends' are rather acquaintances. I am jealous of the friendships that I see others have.  I see myself in this pit of utter despair, with the constant feeling that nobody is there for me to help me work through my emotions.  I am well aware all of the time that I am chronically depressed, so there is no issue with denial.  Rather I feel that there isn't anybody out there who I feel a connection to, that I would trust with all of my deepest feelings, that actually wants to listen to me and help me through my especially bad days.  In a deeper context, I often find myself saying to me, "People are always talking about that one person in their life that was always there for them, but you know that you have nobody.  There is nobody there to wrap their arms around you and say, 'I'm here for you, and I want to let you know you are not alone, and that I want to help you.'"  I feel that nobody knows me like I know me.  I know exactly how to help my depression, but I can't do anything about it, because it's not something that I have any control over.  I can see myself reaching out through social media.  There's this little hope that maybe someone will hear my plea, recognize it, and then I'll have the illusive medicine I'm looking for.  And sometimes I get so frustrated at past friends I've had.  I got close to them, trusted them with some of my feelings, and then, one day, they dropped out of all contact with me.  This constant cycle of betrayals, has left me to feel that I can't reach out to someone.  They have to reach out to me.  Otherwise, I may be too much for them, and they will leave, causing me much hurt and anger.

When I come back and look at my feelings with a clear mind, I see that some thoughts are a bit illogical.  There are people in my life who care, they just might not express it.  But that bothersome thought remains.  I know how to help myself, but there's actually nothing that I can do.  I can attempt to throw out a hint here and there, but not much more, otherwise, I may end up with another betrayal.

An interesting oddity in my thought process, is I have discovered that some people that I don't know that well, I will naturally trust them because they remind me of a fictional character from a book or TV show from my childhood.  There are quite a few people that I have trusted in the past because they reminded me of Ginny Weasley.  And I'm sure there are many more that I haven't identified the character yet.

Back to the subject, it really comes down to feeling that nobody cares enough to have noticed the signs that are common in a depressed person.  I have gotten to the point of openly admitting it, and treating it almost in the way I treated coming out.  Taking the stance of knowing about it, and not being afraid of it, or telling others about it.

I often look up articles on dealing with depression, and I'll often find myself reading articles on how to help a friend/family member who has depression.  As I read through it, it hurts me even more that no one seems to realize that I'm hitting most of the symptoms:

- doesn't seem to care about anything anymore
- has lost interest in work, hobbies, and other pleasurable activities
- talks about feeling 'helpless' or 'hopeless'
- expresses a bleak or negative outlook on life
- complains of feeling tired and drained all the time
- has withdrawn from friends, family, and other social activities
- sleeps less than usual or oversleeps
- thoughts of death

And it is more hurtful to read what someone is supposed to do to help a depressed person, knowing that a person like this is exactly what would set you on course to getting help, given that I oddly trust them of course.  I know that there is no way that I could beat the weird, illogical part of my head on my own.  I suppose there is some need for friendship or companionship programmed into every human being.  And when that it non-existent, you start to slowly, unknowingly, drive yourself insane.  I have felt true insanity before.  At a point, I decided I didn't need human friends, so I threw my entire life into music.  After a few months, I realized that my social skills were decreasing, and everything that defined me as a person was starting to slowly disappear.  I was becoming some sort of vessel for the music.  And then I realized that I was going mad.  And so I stopped.  But I learned that one cannot just throw themselves at one of their passionate hobbies in life, or else one will stop being a person.


~M.B.~

The Ultimatum

There's been something that I can't get off of my mind recently.  I keep thinking about last October.  The pain.  Parent vs. offspring.  Me vs. them. 

Why couldn't I have just been normal?  Why did I have to be the different one?  But I didn't want to live in a closet of lies, denying who I could be.  I could have let myself be doomed to a life of loneliness, a life full of bad friends long gone, leaving behind holes for the depression to creep in.  But I decided to be that different speck.  I was going to stand up for what I wanted to believe in.  I didn't want others telling me what I should want to do.  It was hard.  So hard.  Being brave is certainly not the easy choice.  They fought back.  They forced their rules onto my life harder than ever.  I found temporary ways to escape them.  But I knew I needed something more.  Something to scare them off my trail.  I needed an Ultimatum. 


Anyways, I really like to write in metaphors.  Let me explain this in normal terms, not therapeutic metaphorical elegance: 


In August I finally told my parents that I was totally, completely gay and didn't want to be in their church anymore.  They got SUPER ticked at me, and forced more rules on me than ever.  I found ways to avoid them, I took really long jogs, and took a temporary job so I could be busy at work on Sundays.  But I decided I needed a more permanent solution, so I forced an ultimatum in front of them.  I told them that my life was hell following all of their rules, and I would much rather be dead, if that would mean my freedom.  I told them that I would commit suicide in the next 2 weeks if they didn't give me my religious freedom.  In a few days, they caved. 

I just can't help but be both scared and proud of what I did.  I'm scared that I hit a point in my life that I was ready to die, and ready to do something about it.  But at the same time, I'm proud that I fought my own personal war for religious freedom.  I must say though, the best thing I found through this was hope.  Even though I suffer from chronic depression, I know that however I feel about life right now, at least I don't feel as terrible as I did.  I feel myself thinking what the next 3 1/2 years will bring.  I find myself coming up with 9 instances in those past years I've wanted to die.  But I haven't yet, so that's something. 

I'm sure depression will finally take me in the end, but let's see if I can contribute something to the betterment of humanity before that happens.



(Note: I am kind of crazy.  But don't you dare send me to a therapist.  I've discovered a strange condition in which I am a shark.  That also sounds crazy.  But, no, I'm a business shark with therapists.  I twist the truth and put whatever spin I want to on the situation.  I'm very, very good at it.)

The Hole

I am currently suffering from a severe condition known as anima foraminis. I fit all the symptoms perfectly: depression, very few friends, even fewer friends that will actually spend time with you, feeling that happiness is hopeless, etc.  This condition is otherwise known as a hole in a person's soul. For some strange reason, humans are wired to need love and companionship.  And when that is gone from a person's life, something very interesting happens.  Suddenly, that person feels that all of life is hopeless, and that nothing will make them feel better.  Some people might classify this condition as depression, but I know that my condition has more to it.  When I am depressed, I often find that I don't know why.  But with anima foraminis, I know exactly why my life feels broken.  I am literally lost and left to die in a giant hole in the ground.  Some might consider a hole in the ground of large proportions to be a cave, but if that is what this is, all of it's beauty has been vandalized or stolen. Hold on a moment, I feel that this current style of writing may not bring to you the retrospect of what has been happening in The Hole recently. I take you now to a more intriguing style...


The Hole, Entry 1
 I feel that it is about time that I started to record the events that have been happening down here lately. But first, let me start from the very beginning. One day, I was walking through a beautiful meadow.  As I was walking up a hill, with the intention of seeing the beautiful view below me, I suddenly fell through some sort of sinkhole in the ground!  I fell quite a long way, enough that getting back out was impossible.  It was a pensive moment, seeing the beautiful blue sky up above me, and knowing that the warmth of the sun was there, but yet the hole was so deep that it couldn't reach me.  And also knowing that the hill was out there, I had gotten so close to reaching the top, but suddenly, it was stolen from me.  Many months passed, and the hole continued to grow bigger, reaching further and further under the hill. I have continued to explore each path, becoming more and more desperate for the warmth of the sun.  I have met many odd, yet foul creatures along the way. But just yesterday, I glimpsed a small ray of sunlight along this very tunnel. When I reached it, it disappeared, but I saw it again, further away.  I can only hope that chasing it will lead to something more than just another hole of foul beasts.

The Hole, Entry 2
Today was a most amazing day!  I started off continuing to follow the light down the tunnel, when I finally reached a dead end.  I was unsure of where to go next, so I began to look around me for anywhere that the light could have possibly escaped to.  My eyes happened to be drawn to the ceiling.  I couldn't quite reach it, so I took some dirt that was lying in a pile nearby.  I built up a sort of mound that I could stand on, and examined the ceiling closer.  I could see that there was some sort of symbol with some odd phrases of ancient script written around it.  The script read, "Si vis salvari, tantum opus porrige manum tuam."  As I looked closer, I saw a smaller script below it that read, "Amor et ecce sanavi te".  As I read both scripts aloud something very odd happened.  For a moment, I felt nothing, but in the next moment there was a ray of sunlight shining on me.  Suddenly, I felt warmth all around me. I looked up to see where the light was coming from, but I found that the ceiling with the inscriptions had disappeared into the light.  As I was looking up, I saw a hand reach down towards me, and I heard a voice say, "Come with me, I want to help you." I grabbed onto the hand, and it pulled me through the light.  It felt like an eternity before I finally felt my feet touch the ground again.  I found myself in another tunnel, but this one was different.  I could feel moss beneath my feet, and when I looked around me, I could see mushrooms and other small vegetation growing along the edges and corners.  When I looked above me, I saw glowing orbs with wings in every color you could imagine.  The entire event was quite exhausting, so I must get my rest for now, but I am truly excited to begin discovering what this new tunnel has to offer in the next few days.

The Hole, Entry 3 
At the beginning of this day I awoke to someone shaking me awake.  When I opened my eyes, I found a woman in front of me.  She told me her name was  Эмили. She told me that she was the mysterious person who pulled me up through the light.  She gathered some mushrooms to feast on, then sat with me and we talked.  She asked me what it was like on the 'lower level'.  I tried to tell her of the terrors that I experienced, but I found myself wandering in conversation.  How could I talk about such terrible things when I was in good place now? She offered me some valuable advice on places to go and what to do to survive on this 'level'. We made some more conversation, and after awhile, she told me that she had other things she had to get on to, but, as she left, she gave me a gold token, about the size of my palm.  Before she headed off, she said, "If you ever need me, just run your fingers over the script on the coin, and I will make the time to find you."  I noticed that the script was the same as the subscript I had seen on the mysterious ceiling: "Amor et ecce sanavi te". I waved goodbye, as she walked off along the tunnel, and was soon hidden by a curve of the walls.  

Today has been a very good day, and I only hope that they will improve.  I am excited, for there must be much to discover.  If I could find Эмили, there must be others around here as well.  I only hope that I can manage to find them.


I feel that this writing style was certainly more interesting to you, the reader.  Here you see the true insanity of my mind.  Instead of writing things plainly, I prefer to hide what really happened in layers of metaphors and mystery.  Maybe I shall consider this work as my first ongoing short story.  I only hope that the character in this story finds happiness rather than tragedy in the end.  And that mysterious  Эмили.  I wonder if she will hold to her word?  And why do all the inscriptions have to be in different language?  What they really say must mean something to the author.  I've heard rumors that the author doesn't know what will happen next.  Like this story is based her life or something. And her name is April Stormcloud. Like is that even a real name?  I suppose that the future of this story rests literally in the future.  Only time will tell what happens next.


A note from the author, April Stormcloud:

Thank you so much for reading my short story, The Hole.  I hope that you continue to come back, awaiting the next installment of the thrilling story!  Keep the reviews coming, and maybe you'll influence me enough to write your ideas in.  I look forward to seeing both this story, and my fanbase grow. I hope my stories leave you feeling both satisfied, and full of questions at the same time. 'Til next time! ~A.S.~




~M.B.~

My Story (Part 2)

My last chronicle in what I am calling 'My Story' was all about the event that started it all.  The day my best friend died.  http://hrmmmgrermmblerg.blogspot.com/2013/12/my-story-part-1.html

It's been about a year since I wrote that.  So many things have changed since then.  I've gone through so much depression, and I've gone pretty close to suicide.  I guess you could call this what happened this year.  But not in a things sense, rather in an emotional sense.  Sometimes I need a place to get out my thoughts before I forget them.  That's what this blog is for.  I am confident enough to expose emotional times when I was at a point of weakness to whoever is willing to read them.  And that's fine.  That leaves less to hide. 

Life was really depressing this past year.  January through May I threw myself at stress.  I didn't know how to deal with my depression, but I realized that if I kept myself very busy, then I could just forget about it.  So I did shows.  I did two shows during that time, one which I stage managed.  I found that stress made me happy in a weird way.  When I was stressed about my show, there were so many things that needed to be done in a certain time frame constantly running through my mind.  That left no thinking time for depression.  It was a temporary solution.

During March through May I started to discover something new about myself.  Something that I had always known about, but never realized exactly what it was.  I realized I was gay.  It took me a few months to accept.  I was scared.  I was in a community and a family that weren't particularly friendly towards anyone LGBT.  I got so scared that I tried going to a friend that I thought I trusted.  I was very wrong about her.  She tried to un-gay me.  I went along with it for a few week, but I felt so lonely.  It didn't feel right to fight against my attractions.  It feels so utterly lonely to know that you have no future.  That you will forever be alone.  There will be no one ever there to help you through all of your hard times and always be your best friend.  It was the worst feeling in the world.  I eventually decided that I was going to follow my heart, no matter what this 'friend' said.  She wasn't me, so there was no possible way that she could understand me, let alone try to tell me what was right for me. 

Over the summer I started to gain more confidence in my new found identity.  I didn't feel quite as depressed as I did through the first half of the year, but something didn't quite feel right.  As the months led into July, I realized that the problem was religion.  I was part of a church that was outright against gays and the LGBT community.  I was also part of a church that was against feminism, and all for gender stereotyping.  I didn't want to be a part of it anymore.  In August, I finally told my parents what I thought of the church they had raised me in and they freaked out and got really, really mad at me.  For the next few weeks, they forced me to go to their church meetings with them, and constantly pestered me to go through the motions that everyone does in their church to gain back their faith.  In September I got a job at Wendy's.  I hated that job so much, and going into it, I knew that I would hate it, but I needed a job that would force me to work on Sundays.  School was not much better.  I was forced to go to a seminary that was only shoving the church into my face even more.  My friends weren't much better.  Any one of them that I talked to about it would stop talking to me for anywhere from a few days to a week, and then would eventually say something along the lines of, "I think I'm ready to accept your decision, but please remember that the church is always here to welcome you back.  I think you really belong here."  Like I needed their 'approval'.  And I most certainly don't want people preaching to me.  I just simply don't want to be a part of a church that doesn't support who I am, or the community of people like me.  We're just a bit different.  That's all.  Still normal people in here. 

In October, I finally went off the deep end.  My parents and friends were making my life a veritable hell.  I wanted to escape, but didn't know how.  I started to make plans.  Plans to go down to the Frontrunner tracks and wait for a train to come.  But not at a station.  A train like the Frontrunner can get going up to speeds of around 75 or 80 mph.  And it takes an entire mile to stop.  That would be enough, right?  But I got a bit scared.  Toying with these feelings felt dangerous.  So late one night I reached out to someone.  And that person reached out to my parents.  And so they found out.  But it turned out to be good.  I went to a therapist, where I discovered that I was showing some symptoms of anxiety.  Which made sense.  But I found I could use that to pin an excuse on why I hated my parents' church.  I could blame it on the church members in our area.  It wasn't a complete lie, some of it was true.  My parents couldn't accept the fact that I was gay.  They thought that it was just a phase.  They wouldn't believe me.  They thought that I was just being a 'rebellious teenager'.  It all worked out okay.  But I was really depressed.  So what did I do?  I threw myself into two shows at the same time. 

November felt a bit better than October.  I took a couple trips to visit people.  I got to play video games with an old friend of mine.  I also got to visit San Francisco.  I figured that I needed things in my life to look forward to.  I got to be a part of an amazing community show, which really made me happy.  I would say that it was the first time in many, many months.  I met so many great people.  It was amazing to find a pocket of such nice, happy, talented people that weren't a part of the church that hurt me so much.  I could start to see an end to suffering under people who didn't believe in my religious freedom. 

December was my best month of the year.  I quit a job that I realized was making really unhappy due to complaining so much about my boss.  I also finally figured things out with my school so that I could do classes online and graduate early.  I knew that I needed to get away from my parents as soon as possible.  I started to see outside of the 'Utah bubble'.  I started to realize that if I wanted a future in film and TV, I should go somewhere that is rich in opportunities.  I did some research, and I am now planning on moving to Burbank, CA in the fall.  And I am going to make it happen.  I can't live with these crazy people anymore.  So crazy that it took the threat of suicide to get them to actually listen to me. 

It's been a year full of so many ups and downs.  But I feel so much more free.  I feel like life is just starting to work out for me.  I'm going to pursue things that I want to do.  I'm so glad that I'm still alive.  I owe everything to the friend that pulled me out.  I wouldn't have the hopes and dreams that I do now if it wasn't for her.  My friends may be few, but they listen to me, support me, and really genuinely care about what happens to me.  I don't understand why they stick with me, but it's sure nice to know that someone is there to talk me through my hard emotional times.  For such a long time I felt a hole inside of me.  My best friend had died, and for a long time there was no one to take that place.  But back in August I found people to fill that hole.  And it feels so good to be complete again.
"Oh, it's time to start living, time to take a little from this world we're given.  Time to take time 'cause spring will turn to fall.  In just no time at all."

"No day but today."

~M.B.~

It Got Lost

I stumbled across some music today that got lost.  I completely forgot that I owned it.  I randomly ran into it on an old playlist.  It's been a really long time since I listened to it.  Approximately 1.5 years.  This music is leaking out old memories.  No wonder I let it get lost.  I can remember listening to this during a drive to California.  I did a lot of thinking on that drive.  I can feel the hurt that I felt on a road trip to visit Disneyland 2 weeks after my best friend died.  I deposited so much pain and despair into the melody of this music.  So many feelings that I buried deep are suddenly resurfaced.  I'm shaking because it hurts so much.  But this is what I do.  When people go away, I just slowly forget them.  Forget their voice.  Forget their personality.  Forget their memory.  They'll just disappear into some archive in my mind never to be dusted off again.  Except by music.  For some reason I tend to release emotions into music.  And then I never listen to that music again.  A new song just came up on this album.  I'm now remembering that summer.  Full of dangerous scooter rides.  And many, many visits to the cemetery.  Without the music, these memories are gone.  I have erased all links to them.  So that even if I somehow got into a conversation with someone about cemeteries, this memory wouldn't come to mind.  The memories are so strong.  As if they didn't have a year of dust on them.  I wonder....if this music came on in a store, or on the radio, would I stay to listen?  Or would I shut out the pain?  So many days sitting in the grass by that one grave.  That one evening I tried to read a book to it, but getting bit my mosquitoes all over instead.  But now that I know how I've been coping with such a painful event in my life, how will I use this?  Maybe I'll visit these memories more often.  Whatever is going on in them, something is unresolved there.  Or else I wouldn't have shut it out to such an extent.  Even though that pain has been shut out, it must still be hurting my life.  And I should find a way to stop that pain.  I'm sure that I'll think of something.  I always do.  Despite how bad my bouts of depression got last year, I always found a solution.  And when I'm having a hard time seeing a solution in sight, somehow, there are always people around to help pull me back out of the ditch I dig for myself.  They pull me out and convince me that I can find a way.  They give me hope when I can't find it myself.  And to these people, I owe everything.  Because they have given me everything.  Someday I will find who I truly am.  Because I don't have a personality.  I adjust it differently to each person that I talk to.  Someday I will find which personality is mine.  Someday I will stop locking up my emotions.  I have a very hard time crying.  My body physically stops me.  But I'm still crying inside.  Where did that notion in my head that emotion shows weakness come from?  Because it is hurting me.  Music is somehow the key to all of this.  I need to re-explore all these lost memories.  There's something in there that needs to be found.

~M.B.~

What is Religion, Really?

I've really been thinking and compiling my thoughts recently on religion.  I had an epiphany a few days ago. Religion hits the core emotions that every human goes through.  Let me extrapolate:

Religion is human.  Religion is people wanting to believe that there is an all-powerful being that will love them and help them with their problems. 

People are scared.  They are afraid that they will get hurt, or something will come along and destroy everything that they have made for themselves.  They need to believe that there is a supernatural being in the sky that will protect them if they pray right, or perform the right rituals.

People don't know what will come of their life.  They don't know what direction they should take in their life.  They don't know what will happen when they die.  They don't know where they came from.  They need to believe that there is a heaven/hell when they die.  They need to believe that a supernatural being in the sky has their life planned out for them.

People want to be loved.  It is human instinct to want to be loved and accepted by as many people as possible.  They need to believe that there is a supernatural being in the sky that will love them no matter what.

People are afraid of messing up.  They want to be perfect.  They feel like when they do something to hurt someone, they need to feel like they can redeem themselves.  They need to believe that there is a supernatural being in the sky that will forgive them and make everything right again.

People have problems.  Hard things happen in everyone's lives.  They need to believe that there is a supernatural being in the sky that will help them solve all of their problems.


What I'm getting at is that religion is people. It is so human.  It is formed by human emotions and needs.  Humanity still has the same needs that it had hundreds of years ago.  That's why religion still hasn't faded.  Humans will still be humans.  They will still have the same problems, just in different contexts.  Religion is humanity. 

Religion is powerful.  If you believe enough in something, your brain will make it become real to you.  If you convince yourself that you will feel a certain way after doing a ritual, then you actually will feel something.  Many people have psychology healed themselves just through placebo effect.  I think that people really misjudge and miscalculate just how powerful your brain is.  If you believe strongly enough that rubbing watermelon all over your skin will help your flu get better, it actually will.  Brains make connections with things that don't exist.  If you think that the local newspaper is hiding a conspiracy in code in one of the articles, then you will find that your brain is finding many secret conspiracy messages in just an innocent newspaper.  Belief drives your brain.  Belief becomes stronger with more people.  Religion is just belief playing games with your brain.  Many religions have a large community.  They all pressure you to believe strongly in their doctrines.  You start to believe, since logic says, "If so many people believe in that one thing, then it must be real!"  But people can't be trusted.  People follow their emotions.  People are making assumptions.  People don't actually know what's really out there.  People don't know if there really are supernatural beings in the sky.  People love to believe.  It fulfills their worries.  They can feel safe. I prefer not to put my trust in something that doesn't exist outside of everyone's brains. 

I get scared sometimes.  Something terrible might happen to me, or people close to me.  But I am facing my fears.  I'm not trying to hide my worries with some supposed supernatural being in the sky.  I am facing my problems head-on.  I am finding ways to cope. 

I don't know what will happen in my life.  But I know what I'm interested in.  I have a pretty good idea of fun things that I want to reach for in my life.  I have decided that I'm not going to let a non-existent supernatural being in the sky tell me where I should move to.  I have decided that I'm not going to let people who think that their religion knows where and what I need to do take over my life.  I am going to follow my dreams, and if I end up living on a park bench eating out of dumpsters, at least I tried.  It's better to try and fail, than to never try at all. 

I don't know what happens after I die.  I also don't know if I came from another life before this.  I figure that I'll worry about dying when it comes.  I might not even have time to think when it comes.

I want to be loved.  Every human is born with the want to be loved.  But I have found that I have some very good people in my life.  They love and accept me for who I am.  I trust them.  And if they turn around and hurt me back, it'll hurt, but what's life without a little hurt? I'll eventually get over with it and move on.  Life is full of setbacks, but I can decide to slap those setbacks in the face.

I'm a bit afraid of messing up.  I worry sometimes about if something I said came off as a bit offensive to someone.  I worry if my attempt at a joke was a bit mean.  I worry if my anxiety came off as self-centered.  But I have to stop being afraid.  No human can be perfect.  No one.  People will mess up.  People will hurt other people.  It's only human.  I'll stop worrying and move on.  I won't dwell on those thoughts.  All it does is cause me to convince myself that I'm a bad person.  And that is poison to anybody's soul.

I have problems.  Heck, everybody does.  I have so many huge problems happening in my life.  And I encounter so many little, almost petty ones, throughout each day.  But I need to learn to deal with them myself.  No one is going to magically take away my mental disorders.  I have to cope.  No one is going to magically make me do better on that math test.  I have to make that happen.  No one is going to make money or food magically appear on my doorstep.  I have to go get my own money and food.  I have to make things happen myself.  I have to deal with things myself.  And I can choose to slap them in the face.


I just want anyone is curious about me to know that I don't need religion in my life.  I know that my life is hard, and I have realized that no supernatural being in the sky is the answer to everything.  I have to face hard.  And I certainly don't like to trust in things that don't exist.  But, I am not slamming any of your religions.  I am open to learning.  I will probably say, "Hmmm, that's interesting." or "That's a fascinating idea." or "I'm glad that you've found something to put your heart and soul into."  Really, I am happy for all of you that have found a religion that rings true to you.  If you preach about it to me, I'll still be nice.  I will try as hard as I can to politely decline you, or politely leave the conversation when things get a little too political for me. 

I am very open-minded.  It's just that religion isn't for me.  Religion was never meant  to be for everyone.  It has never been an absolute requirement for living a life.  I have a right to live a life the way that I truly desire.  I'm not trying to be rebellious.  I'm just trying to find me.  I know that there is still more of me hiding deep down somewhere, just waiting to be found.  And I'm going to find it.

~M.B.~

The Great Religious Debacle

I must honestly admit that I have never really liked the LDS church.  And I have been avoiding the conversation where I spill it to my parents for quite a while now.  But, about a week ago, I finally got up the courage to tell them.  And, understandably, they got mad.  But, by now, I'm a bit annoyed that they are still mad at me.  I'm not calling them naive or brainwashed, or slamming their church in front of them.  I'm actually being very professional about the whole situation.  Not once have I raised my voice in return at them.  I simply state to them that I am so happy that they are in a religion that they really believe in and gives them what they need in their lives.  But this church isn't giving me that.  It's giving me anger and pain.  So, I'd like the opportunity to look at some other religions and see what they have to offer.  But, of course, they get mad at me again.  It just really ticks me off that I'm being super nice about this whole thing and making sure not to offend them, and all they do is try to force their religion on me even more.  Which makes everything worse.  They keep saying that I don't know the LDS church well enough.  I've been in it all my life.  If you are only counting since when I can remember, that's still over 10 years.  I know it backwards and forwards.  I know what I'm talking about when I say I don't like it.  But they don't seem to get that.  And so begins The Great Religious Debacle, which will tear at our family's relationships until my parents can be a little bit more open-minded and not so restricting.  I'd best settle in, this could last a while. 


~M.G.B.~

You Should Know This

Hi.  I'm gay.  Just to let you know.  I'm also confused.  Some people say it's okay, and some people say I should fight it.  But, I just really wanted to rant a bit in a very organized way, and just to let people maybe have a small glimpse into my world. 

1. Don't say I chose this.

Because I didn't.  Why would I ever choose to be so confused and conflicted and hurt as I am now? 





2. Don't try to avoid me just because of this learned information.

Just like straight girls aren't attracted to every man in the world, I am not attracted to every woman in the world.


3.  Don't say that if I pray a lot, then I can 'magically' be attracted to men again.

It doesn't work like that.  I completely understand that it may seem so strange and alien to you that I am not attracted to men, or just someone of the opposite gender.  But, see, to me it seems so alien to be attracted to men.  It is foreign and makes absolutely no logical sense to me.  Most people seem to have a very hard difficulty understanding that, which is okay, as long as they do not say anything along the lines of the above statement.


4.  Don't say specifically to me, "Don't you want a family?"

Because I don't.  At least not now.  It seems very foreign to me.  Probably because I am not attracted to men.  I have never been able to understand/judge a cuteness factor of a guy.   It makes me shudder to imagine myself marrying a man.  I'm sure that seems really, really weird to you, but that's honestly how I feel.


5.  Don't call me a sinner.

I haven't actually done anything seriously wrong in any way.  It's just thoughts.



That's all I can think of right now that really bothers me.  Also, I really need someone to talk to.  Face to face.  Someone who will listen to me, instead of trying to counsel me on things that they will never understand.  Really, being gay is not something you can ever, ever understand unless you actually feel those feelings.  Also, if anybody reading this happens to be of the LDS faith, you might want to know that I am considering being excommunicated.  The LDS church is so centered around families, and I feel very excluded and like I don't belong there.  Also, many of the people I know in this church have created the need for the rants above.  I am open to listening to constructive comments on this, though.  I am totally open to hearing any reasons of why I shouldn't leave.

Please, please, please someone talk to me.  It's been way too long since I've actually had a good talk with someone that I trust.


~M.B.~

The Tolls of Loneliness

Basically I'm lonely.  This tends to happen a lot.  I work better alone, so I guess that must be part of it.  I've been feeling especially lonely lately, and then it came to me tonight!  I will use this blog that I have forgotten about for many months, because it always feels better to just get it all out.  I'm not the sort of person to just talk to people about all my problems, but you have been warned if you want to continue reading or not. 

So...Large Problem #1

I am attracted to women.  Not men.  Women.  It really creeps me out and scares me a lot.  I've been trying to fight it, but I don't know how.  It just doesn't go away.  I'm rather scared of myself.  I don't know what to do about it, so I try to just forget and consume myself with other things, which currently is spending all my free time at the Space Center. 

Large Problem #2

My anxiety issues have increased very much during the past few months.  I have anxiety attacks much more often.  Even though it pains me so much, I'm going to have to drop a drama class called Productions that all of my friends are in just because of anxiety.  I've learned recently from my friend casting me in a play in her theatre group that acting in a theatre environment is quite the guarantee to cause an anxiety attack, and having me memorize lines will build up stress inside of me, that will eventually explode causing me to get angry and insult many people.  It just hurt me so much that I'm going to have to drop an absolutely amazing class where I'm friends with almost everyone because of problems outside of my control.

Large Problem #3  (This is actually the largest problem currently)

Not only has my anxiety increased over the past few months, but so has my obsessive compulsive tendencies.  As a kid, I had OCD really bad.  I distinctly remember getting stuck turning light switches on and off for 20 minutes one time, and hitting the water barrel in our backyard a certain amount of times in different places.  There was no logic to it, but if I didn't do it, it would bother me forever.  All of these different things took hours to do each day.  Over the years, I've gotten better at defeating these senseless tasks with logic.  But, recently it's flared up again.  Some of you that see me more often may notice that sometimes I get stuck doing a certain pattern, which is usually drawing or tapping something with my hands or my feet.  I also draw W's EVERYWHERE.  It is super annoying to have to always be doing some sort of pattern or drawing W's.  Often times I won't even realize that I'm making a pattern.  I also almost constantly have random, but strong thoughts that tell me to do terrible things.  Most minor of these are thoughts such as, 'throw your glasses out the open window of your car while on State Street', 'throw that cup of water at someone's head' etc.    This scares me, and I'm constantly having to fight them down, or often I'll tell my hypothalamus to be quiet. 


So, all in all, I'm quite terrified of myself right now.  But if you ask me how I am, I'll just say good like I always do.  I hide my problems most of the time, which usually leads to many emotional breakdowns and stress explosions.  But it feels good to get this all out.  Even if it is just to empty space.  Who knows?  Maybe someone will read this and want to talk to me.  I feel like I'm just typing random ramblings of my head right now.  But good things are happening in my life too.  Lots of things that I can be very happy about.  And I spend time at the Space Center with some really great people, so they help lift me up away from my problems for a few hours.

I should end this before I ramble more...which will grow steadily more and more off topic......


~M.B.~

Some people just keep me from being free...

I realize I haven't written anything on here in a while.  Sorry about that.  My life has been pretty okay lately.  But right now, I really feel like expressing my feelings on a certain topic.  That would be singing.  I am sooo tired of not being able to sing whenever I want to.  I can't ever sing in my house, or even my own room without being made fun of or yelled at.  And I'm sick of it.  I understand that it's a bit weird that I'm a girl and I sing tenor.  It may shock you at first hearing a guy's voice come out of a girl.  It's taken me a while to accept it myself, but now that I have, I'm confident and proud of it.  But it is so insulting when my own family doesn't want to put up with something that I love.  It is especially hurtful when it is in fact your own dad yelling at you for even just humming the low bass notes along with a song.  I've learned to hum quietly enough that you would have to strain your ears to hear me, and he even has noise cancelling headphones.  But apparently I'm just "too distracting" for him.  I realize this may seem like a bit of rant, but sometimes I just need to get all my feelings out.  And realize that if you can sing in your own house, you are so, so lucky.  I have such a difficulty singing in front of people, because I'm used to the first response being insults.  But I do feel like my confidence is slowing growing back from singing loudly in my car with the windows down and dancing to my music on long walks.  Maybe some day it'll finally grow back completely....

~M.B.~

My Story (part 1)

     This is my story of what I went through when my best friend, Logan, died.  I think I'm finally ready to share it with anyone willing to listen.  It's really long as it is, so I decided just to get this out there for now, and maybe I'll finish it in the coming months....


    It started out as just a normal day.  I got to the high school early from the bus.  The only abnormal thing was that I didn't wave hi to Logan as he walked into the school.  Usually, I would walk into the school, go to put my lunchbox in my locker, and then I would head down the hallway by Mr. Reeves' room, and about that time every morning, I would wave hi to Logan as he came in through the doors at the end of the hallway.
 I decided to walk around the school with my friend Jordan.  There was an announcement, while we were walking, that asked for all of the teachers and faculty to go to the library.  We both wondered why the faculty were all meeting together in the morning.  We walked around for a bit longer, slowly picking up more people along the way.  Eventually, the bell rang, and we went off to our first period classes.   
The day was May 22, which just happened to be Lagoon day for the seniors.  My first period English teacher, Mrs. Gallagher, was in a rush because she was chaperoning one of the buses heading down.  But right before she left, she had a paper in her hand.  She started out saying that she was very sad that something like this could happen at our school.  She then proceeded to read the paper.  I'm pretty sure she said something along the lines of, "I regret to inform you that Logan Hulick, a student at PGHS passed away last night, May 21."  I don't know anything she said after that, or if there was anything else.  I froze up when I heard Logan's name.  At first, I started to question if I had heard Mrs. Gallagher right, but then she said his name again, so I knew it had to be correct.  Mrs. Gallagher then left, leaving a substitute in charge.  The substitute put on the movie Forever Strong.  I didn't want to watch the movie.  I got out one of my word puzzlebooks and began on a Kriss-Cross.  I kept telling myself that I could hold my emotions together.  I listened to the hub-bub of the class at the announcement.  It rather annoyed me.  People saying things like, "Oh, I think I know him!" and "Hey! He's in my orchestra class!" or "Wait, what does he look like?" "I think I've heard that name before!"  I didn't like that everyone had turned it into a game, with the reward of whoever knew him better earning the most attention and popularity.  I stayed mostly quiet.  People didn't understand.  This was a death, of a great friend of mine, and they had found a way to turn it around into another competition of popularity.  Could they just not feel anymore?
I remember that it was about half an hour before I finally decided I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore.  I put my stuff away, and told the substitute that I was going down the the library, where they were offering grief counseling all day.  She offered to escort me down there.  I remember that right as I walked out of the classroom, it all hit me, and I fell apart.  As we were nearing the library, I ran into a space center friend of mine.  He was a senior, but from the news, he had probably decided to stay.  He gave me a hug, and told me that it would be alright, and then smiled at me, and took me the rest of the way to the library.
I felt some slight relief when I walked into the library, and saw many familiar faces look back at me.  I felt comfortable there, surrounded by friends of Logan's.
Everyone was sitting around counselors across the room, and some were sitting at tables writing letters.  I sat down with the group nearest to the door.  The counselor was having everyone share some of their favorite memories of him.  I vaguely remember saying something about what a good space center volunteer he was, but it was hard to speak through the tears.  After a few minutes, the counselor had us all move over to the tables to write letters to Logan's mother.  I took some paper, and walked over to a table with a girl sitting at it that I recognized from my stagecraft class.  She was really upset because Logan had promised her that he'd be the doctor on her mission when she went to the space center.  I sat for a few minutes listening to her and thinking about what to write.  I finally ended up writing about how amazing Logan's acting was at the space center the previous summer.
When I finished my letter, I got up, and put it in the pile of completed letters.  Instead of walking back to where I was sitting before, I walked towards some other friends that had arrived while I was busy writing my letter.  I exchanged tearful greetings with them.  Then, someone called out my name.  I looked around to see that my mom had walked into the library.  She walked over to me and hugged me tightly.  I asked her how she was here, since I hadn't called her.  She said that my aunt Joan, who teaches art at the junior high, had gotten an email about it, recognized Logan's name, and called my mom.  My mom was just about to leave for a temple session when she got the call.
My mom checked me out of school, and drove me to the temple.
We sat down on a bench in the front, and talked for a while.  It felt really good to get all of my emotions out, and especially at the temple.
After about an hour or so, we went home and ate lunch.  I decided to go back to school, so I wouldn't miss my final in history.
I arrived at school in the middle of lunch.  I checked in, and then went straight to the student center to talk to some of my other friends who didn't know what had happened yet.  I don't really remember who I talked to or what I said, but I do remember that it felt really good to get it all out to someone.
That evening I went to my school's choir concert.  (I used to avoid school events, but ever since Logan's death, I go to them for some reason.)  I found a seat next to an old acquaintance from orchestra in junior high.  The concert was a mix of very sad and very happy songs.  It was so hard to hold back the tears on the sad songs, but the happy ones kept me going.  I kept thinking about how Logan was supposed to tech this concert, but he wasn't here anymore.  I cried when the choir sang 'For Good' from Wicked.  (This song has always made me cry since.)  After the concert, I was able to talk with my space center friend I had run into earlier that day.  I was also able to talk with a friend who I had met doing tech in a play.  She gave me some useful advice - to watch my favorite Disney movies and to listen to music when I went to bed. 
The next few days were very hard for me.  All of my grades in school dropped dramatically because I just didn't care about them anymore.  My life had come crashing down, and nothing seemed to matter in the world at all, besides my loss.  I watched lots of Disney movies, and had lots of terrible nightmares.  It got to the point where I would intentionally stay up until 3 am every night, so that when I went to sleep, I was really out.  I did have a reassuring dream/vision, though.  It happened early in the morning.  I woke up from my slumber, but in my half-asleep state, I ended up going back to sleep for around 20 more minutes.  In these 20 minutes, I was myself in a dream/vision.  I was standing in the midst of brilliant white clouds.  Logan was there, wearing his white Shakespeare festival sweatshirt, with the black pants and shoes he would always wear.  He held both of my hands, and spoke to me in a kind, soft voice.  He said, "We can still be friends, even though people won't know."  He smiled at me, and then I woke up, but this time I was far from half asleep.  I felt a great peace, and I knew in that moment that I hadn't really lost my best friend, he was still with me, and that our friendship would still continue, even though I can't see him. 
The next day, while I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up from school, I ran into one of my space center friends.  I told her about my dream, and I was surprised when she told me that she had had a dream about Logan too.  In her dream, Logan had told her that he had never meant to hurt her.  I understood then that Logan hadn't said that to me because I had already forgiven him, and knew in my heart that he didn't mean to do what he did, and that it was never his intention to hurt me or anyone else.
In the days that followed, I felt something I had never felt before.  With every person at the school that knew Logan, and was very sad about his death, I felt an instant bond with them.  I felt like I could go and talk with them about it, and they would help me, and I would help them.  It was really amazing.  For instance, the day after I had found out Logan had died, we had our techfast in stagecraft.  The whole class went to One Man Band and had breakfast there.  There was a great sadness there, but there was also that bond.
5 days after I found out, it was Memorial Day, so there was no school.  It was also my birthday.  It was the most depressing birthday ever.  It didn't even feel like a birthday.  I remember asking my family to do absolutely no celebration on my birthday, not even wishing me happy birthday.  All I could think about that day was what Logan's funeral would be like the next day, and what the drama banquet would be like without him.
Finally, tomorrow came.  I went to school in my church clothes.  It was a short day, so me and some tech class friends left for his funeral at 10 together.  There was an open casket viewing before the funeral.  When I first went into the church where the funeral was being held, there was a room where you could write down a few thoughts on a card to his mom.  I wrote down a few things, and then joined the line for the viewing.  When we finally got to the casket and I looked down at the body that I knew Logan's spirit by, I completely lost it.  His mom asked me my name, and gave me a caring hug.  Tears flowing down my face, I left the room, and went to the chapel and took a seat near some other space center friends.  Going to his funeral, by far helped me most to feel less sad.  When his mom spoke, she offered so much peace, comfort, and friendship to everyone who knew him.  She shared some fantastic memories of him, both long ago and more recent.  Out of everything she said, what I think helped me the most was that she told us that the patriarch in her stake, who lives just down the street from them, told her that he kept getting the thought over and over again that Logan was in the arms of the Savior.  I knew then, that Logan had repented of his mistake, and was moving on to be a missionary in the spirit world.  After she spoke, a lady in his ward sung 'In the Hollow of Thy Hand'.  Even though this song was written for a young man going on a mission, I felt like it applied very well to my situation.  I wanted the Lord to keep Logan in the hollow of his hand, and help him to grow his spirit even further, and keep him safe, since we can't really protect him anymore.
After the funeral, I talked with some space center friends that I hadn't seen in a while, since the space center had been closed for most of that school year.  I remember talking with one of them, and she asked me, "How have you been doing?"  I told her, "It's been really hard."  And then the tears just flowed.  She gave me a long, comforting hug.  She then invited me to come to lunch at Golden Corral, which was where a bunch of other space center people were going. 
After a long lunch at Golden Corral full of random conversations, lame jokes, and lots of cotton candy, I rushed home to get ready to go to the drama banquet.  I carpooled with a bunch of people I didn't really know that well.  I felt sad there, but not as sad as I felt before I went to the funeral.  The food was really fancy, and didn't taste very good to me.  I ended up being able to have fun, making a smiley face out of my salad, referencing Doctor Who in every conversation, and dropping a napkin on someone's head and watching Mr. Shelley mime it to Mr. Wilcock.
In the days following Logan's funeral and the drama banquet, I felt more peace and less sadness.  School ended, and I was tempted by Satan to commit suicide so strongly, that sometimes I had to curl up in my room under a blanket and tell him to go away over and over again.
The next week, we left on our yearly vacation to southern California to visit my dad's mom.  Disneyland is no longer the happiest place on earth to me.  I would spend the morning with my family, and then after lunch I could go off alone to do whatever I wanted.  I used a lot of this time to sit around and ponder.  I would have moments where I would just crash for a moment.  I was having some difficulties with denial around that time.  I would be wandering around, and then I would remember that things were far from normal in my life, and then I would sit down, and look at pictures I had saved of Logan on my iPod.  Sometimes I would even cry.  I don't think that I'll ever go to Disneyland again, because it is now full of sad memories.  Just thinking about it, makes me remember the deepest of sadnesses I felt there, watching everyone go about their lives with their petty problems, and just wish that I could forget it all, but there was no way that I could. 


I'll continue this again at some point...hopefully....

~M.B.~

My Scripture Journal

In the past, I've kept a scripture journal.  Lately, I've started writing in it again, because I've realized that there's some really useful stuff in there already, and I really ought to add to that.  And then, I got this idea that I should retype what I write in there, so that it might be of some use to someone other than myself.  So these are the entries from recently:

11/25/13
"And for a testimony that the things that they had said are true they have brought twenty-four plates which are filled with engravings, and they are of pure gold." ~ Mosiah 8:9
    They believed in what was written on the plates, that they carried 24 heavy plates filled with writing when they were traveling.  If they didn't have such a strong testimony, it would have been really easy to just leave all the plates behind.  Having a testimony is harder than not having one.  Having a testimony leads us to do hard things, and those that don't feed and grow their testimonies in the ways we've been counseled, may not stand on the Lord's side when tested.  I know what I need to do to fuel my testimony, but many times, I find myself procrastinating.  But I have the one and true gospel on this earth, the key to my happiness, and the answers to everything.  So, why do I not devote myself to it?  I need to do better.  I need to be willing to lug a truckload of scriptures across the Sahara Desert, if that's what the Lord needs. I need to feed my testimony.

11/26/13
"For none can have the power to bring it to light save it be given him of God; for God wills that it shall be done with an eye single to his glory, or the welfare of the ancient and long dispersed covenant people of the Lord."  ~ Mormon 8:15
    I can't feel the light and happiness I feel now without God.  God can shed light and understanding upon things I never would have noticed, if only I come and ask.  When I study the scriptures, I feel like I am asking God to shed light on new ideas and concepts I never would have realized before.  God also keeps His eyes upon our eternal glory at all times, even when we don't give it a single thought.  He feels some responsibility for the welfare of our souls, because He is our Father.  I need to think more about the welfare of my soul, and find ways for God to be able to shed His light on my life.

"And Corihor repented of the many evils which he had done; wherefore Shule gave him power in his kingdom."  ~ Ether 7:13
    Because Corihor repented of his sins, he was given power.  Repentance gives us power.  Satan likes to try to make us think otherwise.  Satan tries to get us to believe that repentance will give us shame and weakness.  This scripture tells me the opposite.  God loves us, and He knows we make mistakes.  If we are responsible enough to go to Him when we mess up, He will reward us with blessings and power to overcome Satan.  It's like, if you make a mistake at work, it's really hard to tell your boss that you messed up, but the sooner you tell them, the sooner the problem can be fixed.  Sometimes, we are afraid of being fired or castigated for our error, but usually our mistake is greeted with answers to fix it.  As long as we are willing to work towards fixing the mistake, we are thought of as more responsible in our boss' eyes.  I know that this can be the same with God.

11/27/13
"The bricks are fallen down, but we will build with hewn stones; the sycamores are cut down, but we will change them into cedars."  ~ 2nd Nephi 18:10
    Even when we are fallen, we can still build ourselves up into something even better than we were before.  Satan and other people will beat us down, but we always have to remember to keep building.  If we stop and let the bad thoughts tear us down more, it will take so much longer to heal them.  It's better if we just don't let the bad feelings consume us in the first place.  We need to turn to God.  It's okay to ask for help.  He's just waiting for us to turn to Him with a willing heart.  Then, He can build us up into something better.  If I let Him into my life when I'm feeling down, rather than Satan, I know that He can guide me to what will help me most.  Then, whatever is helping me, with His influence, can build me up to be something better.

11/28/13
"O Lord, wilt thou comfort my soul, and give unto me success, and also my fellow laborers with me...(right here I got lazy and didn't want to write out a bunch of different names) yea, even all these wilt thou comfort, O Lord. Yea wilt thou comfort their souls in Christ."  ~ Alma 31:32
    It is very important to pray that others will fell comfort.  Even if they aren't of our religion.  We can't always pray for people to find exactly what they're looking for, but we can pray that they will find some measure of success, as well as comfort.  I think that comfort in Christ is saying that we can find comfort knowing that Christ has felt every trial, fear, failure, etc. that we have, and will yet have.  He completely and fully understands what we are going through, so He can comfort us, even when no one else is there for us.  I know it's hard to trust myself in someone that can't physically be there for me, but I need to.  I know that whenever I ask for comfort, He will always be there.

11/29/13
"And this Zeezrom began to question Amulek, saying: Will ye answer me a few questions which I shall ask you?  Now Zeezrom was a man who was expert in the devices of the devil, that he might destroy that which was good..."  ~Alma 11:21
    I hope that someday I can be an 'expert in the devices of the devil', not so that I can deceive people, but rather to be able to better recognize temptations in my life.  Satan is tricky, and it takes a while sometimes to realize that it's him, rather than our own thoughts.  I know that if I study people's experiences in the scriptures, and in my life, I will be able to recognize Satan better and quicker. 



You may think that some of my choices in scripture verses are a bit odd.  Well, my rule is that I close my eyes, open my scriptures, and put my finger in a random place on the page, and whatever verse it's on is the one I write about. 

~M.B.~

6 months

I just realized that yesterday hit the 6 months marker since Logan died.  In memory of him, I'm reposting his obituary:

January 4, 1997 ~ May 21, 2013

Beloved son, brother, and friend Logan Hulick was born January 4, 1997. He lived his entire life in Pleasant Grove, Utah and passed away on Tuesday, May 21, 2013.

Logan was one of God's brightest spirits who, with his quiet manner and broad smile, made all feel welcomed and valued. Logan’s charisma gathered diverse people together. He was always either laughing or making someone laugh. Logan always had a joke to share. He recently exclaimed, “I have so many inside jokes with different people that I can’t keep them straight!”

Logan was brilliant and loved to confound people’s minds – because he could. For example, Logan’s favorite color was heliotrope … and when he tells people, he then waits for them to say, “What’s that?”

He was a longtime volunteer at the Space Center; he had recently been hired as a flight director and was looking forward to a great summer working there. 

           

Logan just completed his sophomore year at Pleasant Grove High School, where he enjoyed excellent academics, drama tech, orchestra (first chair violin), and seminary. He played tenor saxophone and violin, relishing the fact that he played more instruments than his siblings.   

Logan left his parents, Mark and Debra Hulick, and his older siblings: Mitch (& Lacey), Abby, Austin (& Tammy), and Riley.  We love him very much.  He brought so much joy and laughter to our family.  We miss him and look forward to an eternal reunion where Logan can meet us on the other side of the veil.

~M.B.~

One of my fears

It has always been one of my fears ever since I was a little kid that in the next life we won't be able to find our friends or fantastic people that influenced our lives.  I would always imagine it as a huge crowd of people, and that I would end up running around all of heaven for eternity searching for certain people.  Right now, though, I really feel strongly that God sends people into our lives to help us and be our friends for a reason.  He would never send those people to us now, but not allow us to be with them in the next life.  Out of all the people He could choose from in the world, He chose one to come and help me, right now, at this point in my life.  And, with God's help, I know I'll always be able to find her.  I just really feel strongly about this in particular right now.

~M.B.~

I've Changed

I realize I kind of left you hanging...for a long time.  My Harry Potter Club is working out just fine, and we have weekly meetings. 

It's interesting how much I realize I've changed over the past few months.  I'm not so much of an introvert anymore.  I actually enjoy being around people, and I need it.  I used to love being left alone to my thoughts, but not so much anymore.  I'm also not so 'no-touchy'.  I'm more outgoing, and more confident.  If there's something I don't like, then I'm not afraid to change it, where as before, I just went with it.  I feel...much more different than I was.  But yet, in a way, I'm still the same.  I'm not so sure if that makes sense. 

On another completely different note, I've started volunteering at the Space Center at Central Elementary again.  I couldn't volunteer for a while because of my bad grades, but I'm back now.  Here's hoping I can get a job!


~M.B.~

Wow...I'm stressed already...

So what is it?  Only the second week of school.  And I've already almost hit the point of explosion as far as my stress.  Surprisingly, my grades are not causing the stress.  I think I will make a list of things making me very stressed right now because my brain thinks like Spock.

1. Getting the Harry Potter club together.  I am still trying to find a teacher to be an advisor for the club, but all the teachers I've tried so far either already have a club, or show no interest.

2.  My seminary teacher.  I got assigned to one of the seminary teachers that is new to the school this year.  Everything I outright hate in a person, seems to be in this guy.  So, I absolutely cannot stand his class and, for the first time, am actually highly considering sluffing his class. (And I've been in some pretty bad classes before.) (Also, for future reference, the space bar does not have the same function as the shift button on a keyboard. I just barely had some difficulties with that.)

 3.  The constant battle of depression.  I have to always have some task that is up next in my schedule, or else I end up getting bored with nothing to do and getting really sad.  It's hard to always have something to do day after day.

4.  My internship.  I intern at the Discovery Space Center, but I haven't been in to actually intern instead of attending a meeting in a while, and I'm kind of afraid that they'll kick me.  I've had a lot going on lately, with being sick, and then school starting and now all the following issues above.

5.  Being alone most of the time.  I've figured out that I get depressed in social situations, so I end up spending a lot of time alone to fend it off, which means I don't get to see my friends very often at all.


That felt good to get that all out.  If you're not interested in my issues in life, at that least remember that the space bar and shift keys have very different functions, but can sometimes confuse you when you're trying to put in a parentheses, but you keep getting a 0.


~M.B.~

The things people believe these days...

Well, I'm still writing my script.  But I kinda got sidetracked through some ad on Facebook I saw for these pyramids that are supposed to cleanse you of negative energy.  I really get a good laugh out of reading peoples' testimonials about weird items like that.  I kinda ended up looking into them a bit further, and it made me really think about the false Gods that we run into.  Most people just think of it as other churches, but you do see it quite a bit in companies.  This specific company I was just looking at sold these glass pyramids filled with a bunch of different crystals and flecks of metal.  There were descriptions of what these different things were supposed to do for you.  People were supposed to meditate and worship these pyramids and it would give them less negative energy and cause something affect them based on the pyramid such as be wealthier, meet the love of their life, etc.  You get the point.  I looked a bit further into the guy that was the head of the company.  To summarize, he basically claimed that he was chosen by God to create these pyramids and sell them to the general public, and that God would bless them with positive energy and vibrations if they meditated and worshiped the pyramid.  It's not such an obvious false God as another church, but when you really think about it, it is.  I know that I worded it to make it more obvious, but when you're just exploring their website (http://www.nuntech.com/), it's not something you really think about.  I'm one that tends to keep an eye out for companies that are highly successful, but their products are not scientifically proven to work, in other words, pretty much a scam.  Don't even get me started on doTerra.  I really want to do a scientific study that proves their products don't work.  Now I'm getting off topic.  Back to false Gods, it's really sad to read the testimonials section on their website, with all these people that have tricked their brains into thinking that these pyramids actually work.  It's just another good example of Placebo Effect.  Anyways...I should probably get back to writing my script now.


~M.B.~